Reading the comments people write on local news stories has encouraged me to donate to planned parenthood and mountain dew.

Coughed, lady like 10 ft away reacts as if she has been hit with hot oil and makes disgusted face. Knocked her down, licked her face. I win

I know you want to see the best in people, but really, they are all bastard coated bastards with creamy bastard filling.

Dear Twitter, quit starring stupid shit for me. You are totally ruining my street cred.

So ya call your six foot tall developmentally delayed neice "The Jolly Green Retard" and Xmas dinner is abruptly over? I was not aware.

I feel like shit bc my mother in law is a witch and put a sick curse on me for not living up to her expectations, or cause I have a cold.

Neighbors got robbed last night, so just for fun I'm wearing a ski mask all day and leering out the windows.

2011 has taught me that upper middle class American white women are the most annoying people ever.

Ive been sick for a week. I'm trying to figure out how to keep my current Twitter pace and my job..... I bet this is how Munchausen starts

People really take this twitter shit personally.

I am a grown ass woman with pink eye.... I know, its too much sexy to handle.

If you are inviting me to a party, but don't want me to come, just put "kids are welcome" on the invite.

Husband out of town So: all lights on, heat at 80, nonstop talking about feelings, lifetime on TV. Sweet baby j lifetime is fucking awful.

I cannot be the only person with a deep seeded and overwhelming hatred for Oprah... Can I?

I just saw a midget... Hangin out, like it was just normal for him to be there. Shouldn't hd be bowling or making appearances in porn?

The mall makes me want to use an old man as a baseball bat to beat a toddler.

Setting my alarm for 4am so I can put neighbors light up reindeer in obscene positions. Tomorrow, the light up manger scene....

People should have to submit to a frontal lobe MRI before I am forced to communicate with them.

Husband just went to go check strange noise at neighbors vacant house. TV has taught me I will be single soon, so.... How you doin?

It's not that I don't care..... No one does.