What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?

I am not insulting you I am describing you.

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

That awkward moment when you're trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out...

Russian roullette should only be played by ugly people

When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Did not forward an email to ten friends," Honestly, the next person to send me that crap......

I keep on having to tell my 2 year old kid that the cat is not a squeaky toy!

My tweets are brought to you today by my neighbours' unsecured wireless router!!!! Yayness!!

Silence is golden but remember duck tape is always silver

I tried Swedish Masturbastion with my girlfriend she ended up having a receding hairline

don't ever go out with a fat girl who has an anaconda as a pet, the bitch told me I don't even tickle her

Charlie Sheen gets so fucked that he waits for the stop sign to turn green and it actually does

my animal spirit's name is Seth ..hehehehehehehehehhahahhahahhahahhahhh

Charlie Sheen's doctor just said that he has some snort of cold or infection..

Why is it so hard to believe my name is anonymous.

That awkward moment when you're at a Halloween party dressed as a leaf blower and another guy comes in dressed as a leaf....

This drag queen has wheels & a hooter!!! Run fucking run!

Lesbians are so anticockwise

Eternity = 4 people stopping at the same time at a 4 way stop

Apparently, when they ask you,"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin' large ones" is not the correct answer.