BlackBerry's are great phones to have if you're time traveling to 2005 and don't want people to know you're from the future.

If you really think about it, 9/11 was the Wright brothers fault.

I don't mind people comparing Justin Bieber to Kurt Cobain if that means he's eventually going to blow his head off.

I'm known for giving women multiple sarcasms.

My buddy is in jail with a $200,000 bond on a marijuana charge; I guess he should've shot an unarmed teenager instead.

I bet the week before a tweetup a lot of girls get so nervous that they gain 200 pounds and grow a full beard.

Odd how so many cougars try and disguise themselves with leopard print.

I met a cute girl in the tampon aisle today, I asked if she'd be free for dinner in 5-7 days.

At least the pot didn't call the kettle a nigger.

If you're wearing non-prescription glasses because they "look cool", I will disregard my "don't punch a guy wearing glasses" policy.

Before commiting to a relationship, imagine the person with various haircuts. You're welcome.

"Huh ?" - terrible first responder

They should have soccer matches on the infield of Nascar tracks so you can watch two boring things at once.

Coach Sandusky and the Sundance Kid #worstwesternsever

Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, some stupid drunk whore who's always hanging around bothering the shit outta you is a girls best friend

If you buy coffee at McDonald's they'll let you stay for 3 hours so if you find a 24 hour McDonald's you can live there for $213.60 a month.

The worst part about finding dead babies in a dumpster is that they're supposed to go in the recycling bin.

The only thing separating a sink from a urinal is an observer.

The hotel asked if I wanted turn down service and I said "No, I get that all the time. Is there a "we're definitely fuckin" service?"

I like my women like I like my farts: silent, so they don't embarrass me in public