Lady Gaga has a new single and a Belgian bishop admits on TV that he molested his nephews. Guess which one the Catholic League is mad about?

Yuppies are doomed. Your little Dylan with his peanut allergy is no match for a litter of feral trailer spawn who feed on cheetos and rage.

Libya distracting me from Japan which distracted me from Egypt which distracted me from Australia. Apocalypse Attention Deficit Syndrome.

Ten years later, we've bankrupted ourselves with war and let mall cops look at us naked at the airport. The terrorists won. Big time.

Congress patting itself on the back for averting a shutdown is like my babysitter demanding a tip because my kid's not dead.

When you're a guy, all of your shoes are fuck-me shoes.

BOY I HOPE NO REVENGE-SEEKING TERRORIST IS THINKING OF BOMBING OPRAH'S FINAL SHOW. ON MAY 17TH. AT THE UNITED CENTER. 1901 W. MADISON ST.

Just heard about Steak and a Blowjob Day. The steak is to get the foul taste out of my mouth, right?

At least Bill Clinton only fucked the American people one at a time.

I'm pretty sure if you gave me fifteen minutes with the Dalai Lama I could get him to take a swing at me.

The problem with wife-swapping is that you still have a wife at the end of it.

When you burn your last bridge, the island that remains is really quite peaceful.

Okay, I give up. How do you touch someone appropriately?

I only watch the Girls Gone Wild videos to track the college logos on their shirts, so my daughter won't apply to those dirty slut schools.

I bought my wife a Japanese sex toy but it got away and scuttled up to a corner of the ceiling where it's now just staring at me. Silently.

I may not be sober. I just pissed on the cat. And I'm pretty sure we don't have a cat. Like, 85% sure.

My ten year-old daughter just showed me that she can touch her chin with her tongue and so I guess I'll be starting with scotch tonight.

Tragically, most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

I forgot it was "Get Your Kid the Fuck Out of My Office" Day.

Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar.

I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.