The only thing more awkward than watching a condom commercial with your mom is watching a condom commercial with your two moms.

Does it get better for straight people too?

Sometimes I wish I had a waterfall in my room so I could just lean over and drink that fresh cool water.

FaceTime would be really cool if I were an astronaut with children who were very attractive.

Or you could just not have Two and a Half Men anymore.

My body is a temple in that it's often converted into a burrito place.

My hands sweat when I play video games because it's the closest I'll get to touching a woman.

I think my college essay is just gonna be a link to my Twitter.

People who don't use Macs are weird to talk to.

Do people in wheelchairs wear shoes?

What's that? Yeah, I mean, I guess I did a podcast. Should you download it? Yeah... http://ohmeohyou.tumblr.com/post/1084189666

It sucks that no matter how many times I masturbate, my phone won't become unbroken.

Maybe if these Glee kids could stop fucking each other, they could win a goddamn championship.

There are way too way hot ladies on Community for that show to get cancelled.

No one is more excited than me for CAPTAIN AMERICA. And I'm not excited for it.

I can't wait to see Google's logo tomorrow after all this.

Attractives: I now have an iPhone! Please, accept me as one of your own!

BLACK SWAN is like if a crazy person made a movie and then someone brilliant made a remake of that movie.

This whole Mosque on Ground Zero thing is really making me wonder what Ground Zero is.

Girls: Don't announce "hug" before you hug me. You can just reach out. I know what that means.