Well, it's official, I've started referencing my twitter followers in real life conversations. I guess I'll just go buy some cats now...

I'll never trade in my vw bug because its way too much fun watching children beat eachother when I drive by.

My mom just told me that Eat,Pray,Love is one of those movies you have to see on the big screen. We have nothing in common.

Just asked a coworked if the flowers were from her lover. They were from the office because her father died. Apparently I signed the card.

Inception is maybe only mind-blowing for the type of person who doesn't have thoughts beyond whats for dinner and how much traffic sucks

Hey coworkers, thanks for telling me "it's really raining out there" because clearly I showered with my clothes on and teleported to work

Was stung by a mystery bug. If I stop tweeting know it's because I turned into a giant demon super villain bug and no longer have fingers

If you need me I'll be working on my cardboard Sylvia Plath oven for Halloween

The number of jokes I make about being unemployed is negatively correlated with the amount of gas I have in my tank.

I don't know how they managed to make greyhound bathrooms smell more like urine than actual urine, but they did.

It took me 8 hours to move everything into Grandmas old house and only 15 seconds to convince myself I saw her ghost and need to move out

I guess this is the part where I hope the stranger sleeping on the floor outside my bedroom isn't also a stranger to my roommate.

This bus smells like poor people.

(Overheard in Allston) Q: "what were you saying to that homeless dude? A: "That's my boyfriend...and he's not that homeless."

Yes scary feminist lady, I am POSITIVE that God is not female. Why? Because penises don't vibrate.

Unless what you're saying is going to end with "and then I bought you this cheescake," I'm not interested.

Owning a vibrator means never having to say "I'm sorry but I'm finished and you're boring."

I've decided to embrace football season this year because I like beer and yelling. I am open to team suggestions.

Whenever I feel bored of the internet I think of all the poor children who don't have any internet at all, then I man-up and tweet.

I hate when I randomly remember that I ate asparagus for lunch, I prefer to be reminded when I pee