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@philgs' (phil.gs) most faved Tweets...
philgs
Killing poeple off FB's "People you may know" page is some sort of crazy postmodern wack-a-mole.
@philgs
14
kimproperliaboliciousvinnieQrystalAimee_B_LovedhotelechozuluhurtlingsmashedpotatoesdanjlcXytrexpoeksdysolutionTheBoshacolonelliles
philgs
Cash-back from the credit card company is like getting a quarter from your prison-rapist.
@philgs
9
kimpropermadsimian_srslaineytastytrixiedanjlcsmashedpotatoesBalutXytrexTheBosha
philgs
If I were hot chick, I could tweet about my bowels habits all day long, and ya'll would star that shit so hard.
@philgs
7
kimproperliaboliciousswaysteadymadsimianjaredwsmithemckennaXytrex
philgs
I thought that guy was trying to run me over until I saw his handicapped sticker. Then I realized he was just recruiting.
@philgs
5
madsimianswimparallelemilyelisabethxzqxXytrex
philgs
I believe that this situation calls for some fucking chili.

[Opens can of soup by mistake.]

This situation calls for some black bean soup!
@philgs
5
smashedpotatoesemilyelisabethkimproperXytrexhairyegg
philgs
Let the record show that I am not the genius who decided to store three bags of chocolate chips on top of the toaster.
@philgs
4
liaboliciousivegotzoomsFriedaClubdysolution
philgs
Kanye and Lady Gaga concerts canceled. So much for the Ugly-on-the-Inside/Ugly-on-the-Outside Tour.
@philgs
4
blondediva11ivegotzoomsnatters1210TheBosha
philgs
Drinking coffee until I reach the happy place between maximum productivity and exploding heart. OH GOD! TOO MUCH CAFFEINE! TELL MY WIFE I LO
@philgs
4
madsimianswimparallelsunshynegrllalegna24
philgs
Two words I hope to never hear in combination again: scrotal epithelioma.
@philgs
4
kimproperswaysteadyalegna24TheBosha
philgs
Inner monologue from today's Bible study: "Are you kidding? I've committed, like, 4 or 5 sins since we got here."
@philgs
4
swaysteadybsheepiesbigrballsthanuBalut
philgs
I feel like it's Friday. Paternity leave starts tomorrow. It's six-weeks of paid vaca-- Hey! Who left this screaming baby here? It smells.
@philgs
3
emckennanatters1210hotelechozulu
philgs
Me: Get ready, I'm about to bring the sexy. Her: Are you gonna fart again? Me: No, I'm putting on my nightgown.
@philgs
3
smashedpotatoeskimproperswaysteady
philgs
Eating a taco.
@philgs
3
benmarvinvinniebsheepies
philgs
Hate it when I exhale sharply to dislodge a booger & end up with a nasty sticky thing on my keyboard. No YOU need to use a kleenex next time
@philgs
3
TheBoshaliabolicioussmashedpotatoes
philgs
Time for a Christmas tradition. Hint: it involves a song called "What do you get a Wookie for Christmas (when he already owns a comb)?"
@philgs
3
abigvictoryxzqxQrystal
philgs
Irony 2.0: @benmarvin has a personal brand, but it would be ruined if he ever stopped talking about ruining his personal brand.
@philgs
3
natters1210vinniebenmarvin
philgs
I have been granted administrator rights on my work computer! Muwahaha!! I'm gonna install so much software!!1! I'M DRUNK WITH POWER!!1!ONE!
@philgs
3
xzqxliabolicioushotelechozulu
philgs
Studying in my flannel nightshirt. Yes, it's a nightgown for dudes. No, I'm not wearing drawers.
@philgs
3
smashedpotatoesliaboliciousmadsimian
philgs
What I just did to that pear, should have been done behind closed doors. Especially with all the slurping sounds.
@philgs
3
natters1210liaboliciousivegotzooms
philgs
Someone brought an honest-to-bog box of Hostess Ding-Dongs into the office. I haven't had one of these in 20 years. Must not eat whole box.
@philgs
3
kimproperhomerdashivegotzooms
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