having time to say "shit just got real," means that shit didn't get real. at all.

Planning on putting these everywhere around town, thanks @postsecret http://twitgoo.com/2arn8y

alright, that's it. i'm fucking fed up with this bullshit. IS THERE A "P" IN HAMPSTER OR NOT?!

getting ready to watch Snatch, the movie so good they had to name it after vagina.

when i said "call me & we'll kick it," i was referring to kicking my phone off of the table and going back to sleep.

i like to go to seminars where the speaker is nervous, because i like to know someone's thinking about me naked.

so, if anyone wants to be something slutty for halloween, it would really help me complete my "guy that fucks slutty girls" costume.

If you add "metaphorically" to the end of your death threats, theyre much less illegal.

ladies, you should suck off a soldier today. i know my ex would.

IF YOU DON'T APPRECIATE GOOD HUMOR, FOLLOW ME. YOU'LL FIT RIGHT IN.

Interesting, how so many people are "board" on facebook. Im buying a fucking nailgun and making house-calls.

you ever notice that it's really hard to sleep at night, but so easy to sleep when you have ANYTHING to do EVER?

you could cut the sexual tension on my timeline with some lesbians scissoring.

REALLY LIKING THIS NEW ONE STAR/RT LIMIT YOU GUYS HAVE IMPLEMENTED FOR MY TWEETS

i just saved a ton of money on furniture by sleeping in the bathtub.

They can keep me at the bar after work, but NO ONE can keep me from getting blackout drunk.

22 minutes until the liquor stores close. gonna wait a good 15 just so i can feel accomplished when i beat the clock.

"damn baby, you hotter than the sip of coffee that gave me this lisp, because i'm totally not gay or anything."

please tell your hot friend to unblock her facebook pictures. i have morning masturbating left to do.

Heres a tip, if you shit your pants at work you get to go home. Forever.