Dear @mchammer I was in poundland today and your song came on .... So I did the dance with two 80 year old women .... Can't touch this :)

I see @misskatieprice has brought out a turkey range :) pic.twitter.com/atJgyR1xJN

@thecrude ha ha what ya think pic.twitter.com/hrxUPnLN

#EndOfTheWorld has been put off till next year folks due to bad weather

Remember not to tweet at 11am tommrow #wearapoppywithpride #notweetstoshowrespect

I have sexdaily! I mean I have dyslexia... Fcuk! :)

A police officer pulled me over and said 'papers'. So I shouted 'scissors' at him and drove off. :)

Jimmy Savile died, then one year later JJB Sports closes down..At least we now know where he got those dodgy tracksuits from. :)

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I shit you knot :)

@sickpics_ ok she was using a chainsaw to cut her fecking long dirty toe nails .... Farted then slipped

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it....it's probably shit. :)

Twitter is seven years old today, meaning that no Arsenal fan has ever tweeted about winning an trophy. :)

Just bought half a dozen broomsticks that were used in the Harry Potter films...

I only paid a Quid each. :)

If Abu Hamza gets the electric chair, he can stick his hook in the air and pretend he's in a bumper car. :)

If I get to 1000 followers .... I will have 1000 followers #fact :)

How does Justin Bueber remove a condom?He farts. :)

Finding the word "init" more annoying than a dose of the clap

Take note tescos are at it again !!! pic.twitter.com/CcL30fjj

#drugslive I once had MDMA then switched to natwest current account :)

It's it me or does anyone else fear a new song from mika ?