My wife just asked me how much weight I think she should lose, so I ran head first into the wall and knocked myself unconscious.

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

The kid gets you the "M." You have to work for the "ILF."

If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.

You never really know a person until you stare at them for eight hours through a high-powered telescope.

Stop saying "ladyboner." Do you want me to say "manwetness"? That do anything for you? Didn't think so. Stop.

Told my six year-old he better get a 100% on his spelling test tomorrow or he can pack his shit.

Pressure creates diamonds, folks.

Curves and fat rolls. Not the same thing, ladies. Not the same thing at all.

Fuck I hate when people come over and I have to blah, blah, blah, how are you, I'm fine, good to see you, get the fuck out, never come back.

If you're behind me at a stoplight and you blow the horn when it turns green, you may as well get out and walk.

People concerned with their follower/followee ratio: One of your cabbage patch dolls, sixth row down, ninth from the left, is off-center.

When a woman is upset, the best approach is to ask if she’s having some sort of goddamn mental breakdown. It shows you care.

There is a fine line between "important to me" and "dead to me." Don't walk it.

It's nothing personal, I just don't like your tweets, your sense of humor, the way your mind works or your looks. No offense.

6.


The number of times I can say "You betta check yoself befo you wreck yoself" to my wife in one morning before she freaks the fuck out.

In real life, the Ugly Duckling doesn't turn into a beautiful swan. She puts up a boob avi, talks about anal and gets 10,000 followers.

RT if your avi is really you.

If I was rich, I would hire James Earl Jones to read my timeline to me. Every now and then, I would say "Oh, that's funny. Star that."

Not sure why this doctor's office form needs to know my marital status. Anyway, I wrote "could be better."

I used to think strippers were the angriest people on twitter. Turns out it's the librarians. Behind the buns and sweaters, they seethe.