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  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    My morning: accidentally typing my e-mail password in the wrong field. On a projector. In front of my 6th graders. My password: sp00g3cann0n

    • 44
    • FAVS
    mandaindeedEvokedonnisavillekatzPunkRockieKamilCarolThompsonMKjudy
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    ...for all the things I've achieved, I can't shake the notion that my life has mostly been spent converting breakfast cereal into body hair.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    KimPlasterscjerenetalonelysandwichMoltzcleversimonemilybriannaaedisonshanecyr
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    There are no atheists on the seventh-graders' first day with the Bunsen Burners.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    judyajinairKablooiestruttingcjerenetaEffingBoringphillygirlGanapatya
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    ...wait, so NONE of you quietly make the TIE Fighter noise with your mouth when you walk by someone really quickly?

    • 15
    • FAVS
    donniKablooiekwlbltsuperfantasticsnortingmarmotsAtencioshaggertyerikprice
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    Apple holds an undisclosed patent on a polished metal alloy that, upon unwrapping, secretly scratches itself when left unattended.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    ajinairbbbrksdmSontrahiweslietimonikathrinpassigcelfyddwrRemiel
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    To the uninitiated, there's probably no greater letdown than Airplane Mode.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    DigDougtduboseashurerikpricedevinreamskimlisagorlonelysandwichRemiel
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    Love is a Battletoad.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    StyckyWycketrazacjerenetaEffingBoringglessnerStellarSamuraicleversimonSeoulBrother
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    To all my teachers I drove to drink before 5 pm: I'm so, so sorry. To the irksome girly-girls in my 6th grade class: This Bud's For You™.

    • 14
    • FAVS
    jhaire6485tehTraceyEffingBoringrazasuperfantasticGanapatyaidvssuperegocleversimon
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    TaylorKanyeVMAGate: A Shattered Nation Longs To Care About Stupid Bullshit Again.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    smartasshatyodelmachineBigBabyDarknesscalifmomjennascanemilybriannadrwaedison
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    The next time you need a conversation torpedoed, tentatively (but earnestly!) declare that you "kinda get" autoerotic asphyxiation.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    dresdnhopesmartasshatEffingBoringstruttingckwinnymillerdlMoltzRemiel
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    FUCKING STOP MAKING CANDY CORN GOD

    • 13
    • FAVS
    carriebentonbrittneygEffingBoringRachelskirtsmomkulevendistimoniRemiel
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    "Portland probably has the highest number of [mispurposed] Ball jars per capita of any U.S. city."

    - Rachel

    • 9
    • FAVS
    SeoulBrotherreagankantichristagblakemanbunchericlinkaisdavisjimray
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    kaisdavisjimray
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    "The recursive thing about Tiggers, of course, is that Tiggers are recursive things."

    - @effingboring

    • 11
    • FAVS
    puffinsdrwkimlisagordagmarfraserRemieljimrayjayceetimoni
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    Giving a Chemistry final exam. Very, very tempted to declare: "for the next 25 seconds, you may cheat as much as possible", and just watch.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    mogwai_poetlukenefflinanneblacksuperfantasticphyllissteinjayceeSeoulBrothercleversimon
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    You kick ONE stray kitten in front of the wrong daycare and everybody looks at you like you just got Goebbels a Cosmo in Hell's airport bar.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    dresdnhopestruttingenginoidBadGopherMitchMartincommunicatrixlonelysandwichshoesonwrong
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    ...I now realize that, as I left for work, Rachel was still asleep, and that I was making affectionate whale-coos in reply to a braking bus.

    • 11
    • FAVS
    KablooieddejEffingBoringrazayozlonelysandwichRemielaedison
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    Red Delicious apples: at the absolute most, only two-thirds true.

    • 10
    • FAVS
    EffingBoringlevendiskathrinpassigCosaMostroechucklescadavacamattgistmagnetbox
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    Me: "What's your favorite song unintentionally about poop? Mine's 'Scatman'."
    Rachel, UNBELIEVABLY quickly: "Pop, Lock & Drop It".

    • 9
    • FAVS
    Deeta89dwinemanRemielshanecyryodelmachinesmartasshatckwinnycalifmom
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    Playing this game where I turn off the lights, blast Daft Punk's "Tron" soundtrack, strap LEDs to the cats, and chase them while on salvia.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    simmerdesignsmomomotocleversimonSeoulBrotheryodelmachineyaykylesmartasshatmandaindeed
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    helenewecker
  • phylhrmnix
      Aziz @phylhrmnix

    The word "staycation" seems intolerably smug and stupid to me. It's like describing someone totally unlike Chewbacca as a "nobacca".

    • 9
    • FAVS
    ckwinnysmartasshatdrwmrpantsmillerdlSeoulBrotherjeremyturnermrgan
@phylhrmnix

@phylhrmnix

Doing the bulldance. Feeling the flow.