@phyllisstein's (Daniel Shannon) most faved Tweets...
I'm a lot like Amy Winehouse. But a boy. And with less makeup. And tonedeaf. Hair's smaller. Okay, listen, I just fell off my bar stool.
Just poured a generous glass of my dad's jug wine. The apple doesn't stumble and pass out in a pool of its own vomit far from the tree.
Day 6 w/o Internet: Plan to hang self falls through when I can't look up where to buy rope or how to tie a noose.
'Home Is Where the Only Toilet I Feel Comfortable Using Is' just wouldn't look as good in needlepoint.
Dropped my brother at some skank's house. Told him, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do—AND THAT PRETTY MUCH RULES OUT LADIES." I'm adorable.
Well, I've still never operated an ACTUAL vagina, but surely I get some points for driving that Prius.
I salute my fellow moviegoers, who could not passively watch disaster unfold and suggested to the characters several wise courses of action.
Ever see a guy and think, "Wow, I could grate cheese on those abs" then have to stop and ask if it's the abs or the cheese getting you hot?
75% of attractiveness is confidence. The other 25 is OMG DANIEL STOP EATING FRIED CHICKEN SIX MONTHS AGO.
Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Beer before family gathering, never clock Grandma in her stupid racist mouth.
Oh, unused condom forgotten in the back pocket of last week's party jeans. You are the loneliest unused condom of all. Let's watch Beaches.
I just realized how backhanded it is for me to say that something changed my life. I mean, have you seen my life? Some endorsement.
You know, lady, if this were ancient Greece, you'd be FLATTERED that an older man was making sex face at your teenage son.
I like my men like I like my coffee: taken out of a third-world nation and waiting for me, cheap, on a street corner.
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