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@phyllisstein
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@phyllisstein's (Daniel Shannon) most faved Tweets...
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I'm a lot like Amy Winehouse. But a boy. And with less makeup. And tonedeaf. Hair's smaller. Okay, listen, I just fell off my bar stool.
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phyllisstein
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"I think I've seen this episode of The Nanny before" would make for a pretty succinct suicide note.
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phyllisstein
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Just poured a generous glass of my dad's jug wine. The apple doesn't stumble and pass out in a pool of its own vomit far from the tree.
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phyllisstein
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I drive like I fuck: fast, alone, and in violation of multiple state and local laws.
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phyllisstein
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I've been invited to get 'brunch.' That's yuppie for 'hammered by noon,' right?
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phyllisstein
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Day 6 w/o Internet: Plan to hang self falls through when I can't look up where to buy rope or how to tie a noose.
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phyllisstein
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'Home Is Where the Only Toilet I Feel Comfortable Using Is' just wouldn't look as good in needlepoint.
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phyllisstein
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Dropped my brother at some skank's house. Told him, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do—AND THAT PRETTY MUCH RULES OUT LADIES." I'm adorable.
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phyllisstein
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Well, I've still never operated an ACTUAL vagina, but surely I get some points for driving that Prius.
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phyllisstein
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I admire your commitment to Facebook-based political activism.
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phyllisstein
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Whoever built a gym right outside the window by my candy-eating chair is a fuck.
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phyllisstein
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I salute my fellow moviegoers, who could not passively watch disaster unfold and suggested to the characters several wise courses of action.
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phyllisstein
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Ever see a guy and think, "Wow, I could grate cheese on those abs" then have to stop and ask if it's the abs or the cheese getting you hot?
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phyllisstein
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75% of attractiveness is confidence. The other 25 is OMG DANIEL STOP EATING FRIED CHICKEN SIX MONTHS AGO.
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phyllisstein
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Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Beer before family gathering, never clock Grandma in her stupid racist mouth.
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phyllisstein
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Oh, unused condom forgotten in the back pocket of last week's party jeans. You are the loneliest unused condom of all. Let's watch Beaches.
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phyllisstein
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I've never been wined and dined, but I have been hammered and nailed.
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phyllisstein
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I just realized how backhanded it is for me to say that something changed my life. I mean, have you seen my life? Some endorsement.
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phyllisstein
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You know, lady, if this were ancient Greece, you'd be FLATTERED that an older man was making sex face at your teenage son.
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phyllisstein
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I like my men like I like my coffee: taken out of a third-world nation and waiting for me, cheap, on a street corner.
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phyllisstein
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