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I'm a lot like Amy Winehouse. But a boy. And with less makeup. And tonedeaf. Hair's smaller. Okay, listen, I just fell off my bar stool.
I ask WebMD to diagnose the weird brown mole I just noticed.
"1. Is it delicious?"
"2. Were you eating Easter candy in bed?"
The model asked to borrow my iPhone charger and I very nearly screamed that beauty is power enough.
Weaving, officer? Do you SEE a loom?
MY WINE HAS A CORK TONIGHT!
Welcome to Fancytown, population me.
"I think I've seen this episode of The Nanny before" would make for a pretty succinct suicide note.
I drive like I fuck: fast, alone, and in violation of multiple state and local laws.
*sits bolt upright in bed at 3am* I AM THE WHOREAX I SPEAK FOR THE QUEENS
My favorite thing about Antonin Scalia is that he was both objectively a monster and a monster by his own standards of judicial ethics.
Just poured a generous glass of my dad's jug wine. The apple doesn't stumble and pass out in a pool of its own vomit far from the tree.
Made-up nerd holidays aren’t all stupid, they’re just a little…
Ask your manager for the maximum number of Double-Down Sandwiches one customer may order. Serve me that many. Do not look me in the eyes.
Day 6 w/o Internet: Plan to hang self falls through when I can't look up where to buy rope or how to tie a noose.
Instead of downloading WebMD for the iPad, I taped a piece of paper to the screen and scrawled "IT'S CANCER" on it.
'Home Is Where the Only Toilet I Feel Comfortable Using Is' just wouldn't look as good in needlepoint.
I've been invited to get 'brunch.' That's yuppie for 'hammered by noon,' right?
Hey, I just met you
And this is brazen
But here’s a cookie
It’s oatmeal raisin
“trendsetter, tastemaker, twunkmaster” —@sara_ann_marie
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