phyllisstein

@phyllisstein

Daniel Shannon

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Favs Rec'd 40,850
Awards Rec'd 5
Favstar Lists In 137
Following 304
Followers 42,976
I am big. It's the character limits that got small.
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@phyllisstein’s (Daniel Shannon) best tweets
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I'm a lot like Amy Winehouse. But a boy. And with less makeup. And tonedeaf. Hair's smaller. Okay, listen, I just fell off my bar stool.
I ask WebMD to diagnose the weird brown mole I just noticed.

"1. Is it delicious?"
…Yes?
"2. Were you eating Easter candy in bed?"
…Oh.
MY WINE HAS A CORK TONIGHT!

Welcome to Fancytown, population me.
"I think I've seen this episode of The Nanny before" would make for a pretty succinct suicide note.
Just poured a generous glass of my dad's jug wine. The apple doesn't stumble and pass out in a pool of its own vomit far from the tree.
I drive like I fuck: fast, alone, and in violation of multiple state and local laws.
Ask your manager for the maximum number of Double-Down Sandwiches one customer may order. Serve me that many. Do not look me in the eyes.
'Home Is Where the Only Toilet I Feel Comfortable Using Is' just wouldn't look as good in needlepoint.
I've been invited to get 'brunch.' That's yuppie for 'hammered by noon,' right?
Day 6 w/o Internet: Plan to hang self falls through when I can't look up where to buy rope or how to tie a noose.
Instead of downloading WebMD for the iPad, I taped a piece of paper to the screen and scrawled "IT'S CANCER" on it.
Fox News can't make fun of the Human Microphone because it's a large group of white people enthusiastically repeating everything they hear.
That conservatives think fear of the death penalty is the only thing keeping a person from murder speaks volumes about their ethics.
Well, I've still never operated an ACTUAL vagina, but surely I get some points for driving that Prius.
Dropped my brother at some skank's house. Told him, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do—AND THAT PRETTY MUCH RULES OUT LADIES." I'm adorable.
I admire your commitment to Facebook-based political activism.
I salute my fellow moviegoers, who could not passively watch disaster unfold and suggested to the characters several wise courses of action.
Whoever built a gym right outside the window by my candy-eating chair is a fuck.
Ever see a guy and think, "Wow, I could grate cheese on those abs" then have to stop and ask if it's the abs or the cheese getting you hot?