By the way this fly is rubbing its hands together, I can tell it's up to something.

You know it's bad when the only compliments you get is your positive feedback on eBay.

As it turns out, flipping off your closet when you can't find your other shoe isn't as satisfying as you'd expect.

I just snuck up behind a co-worker and scared the bejeezus out of him. He farted and everything. It's going to be a good day.

This dude with a creepy porn star voice just said he "Didn't go down to that level.". I guess we know why he's not in porn anymore.

OMG these fruit flies are so stupid. Don't they know onions are vegetables?

Right now I feel about as pointless as the Jamaican bobsled team.

Shoutout To My New Followers - @swoontwang @archerdalton @jimgivitis @negative_nat @scottiepsays @theblackosama @michaelanicoles

These peeps are nothing but total epic win of awesomeness: @dylanrockwell @homelessharvey @katiegregersen @williamader @kellyskelly

OMFG THESE PEEPS ARE AWESOME!! #FF @bigheb7 @regan_binning @haleys_hell @chembtwnus @carlcaliente512 @cancerisawesome @degenerateshow

I would never say "Get thee behind me, Satan!" because Satan might overhear and think it was an invitation for evil anal Satan sex.

Ok, who is this "Moley" guy people always pray to?!

These peeps are da BOMB!! @katbeloo @shitliiosays @tjinscot @customipadcases @iissomg @garretheferret @excusememandi @thatnataliegray

Shoutout To My New Followers - @missbee73 @casiethunderclo @halfjewhalfmisc @suziefloozy1 @bassboossa @fs2b @dorlamackellar7

@keatingthomas Probably "Captain Bothhands."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'll drink lots of whiskey
Then throw up in your shoe

Roses are red
Violets are stupid
Nobody likes you
Especially cupid

Whenever I feel down, I remind myself that, should I choose to, I can always defeat the French army.

In case anyone else is confused, it's not a "chitchat button" or a "make plans" button. It's called a "snooze" button for a GOOD REASON.

@pinkstapler Going twosies in my convertible. That's what I aspire to in my twilight years.