It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't workout.

BITCH I'LL BURN THIS MOTHER FUCKER TO THE GROUND NOW WHERE IS IT? Ma'am, calm down, your toy is under the McNuggets.

Twitter, cause I can make all my true feelings into a joke.

Dear people with Truck Nuts. We get it, you love dick.

No matter how amazing you are at something, there will always be a 9 year old Asian kid who is better.

During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the fuck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

I saw a guy fall off his bike this morning. He looked around to see if anyone saw his fall. I made sure to make direct eye contact.

In school, the only thing group projects ever taught me was that I hate other people.

It's weird how sex is so great and yet it makes babies....

When ever I feel sad or depressed. I just think, somewhere out there, there is a moron who is pushing a door that says pull...&I feel better

Nothing beats being dominated in bed. ;)

Sincere people are hard to come by.

Your “lol” and “haha” is telling me you’re not taking my sexting very serious.

Twitter, cause the stars and RTs make up for the happiness you lack in real life.

Sometimes I really wish I could RT myself cause I don’t think I made my point clear the first time.

We get it, you're fucking beautiful. Do you have to RT all your compliments?

I feel like a cheap whore when someone who doesn't follow me stars &retweets me..they get what they want and bounce!

Sometimes my RTs are sub tweets to you.

My multitasking skills are outrageous in bed.