If you're patient, and you wait long enough... nothing will happen.

If you're afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Hey, here's an idea!

Instead of apologizing for your horrid child's atrocious behavior, how about teaching the little fucker some manners!

The new 40 pounds lighter me.  http://instagram.com/p/ZTRMC6yraY/ 

I think I've found the wreck of your emotions.

Twitter delusion:

- I’m funny
- I’m famous
- People love my tweets
- People here are my friends
- She wants to fuck me

It’s never too late to make things worse.

I don't want to change your mind

I want to open it

Australians say babe. Americans say baby. British people don't show affection.

It doesn't cost a fucking cent to be kind.

So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"

Do you remember when you'd go out and nobody could contact you until you got home?

I miss that.

Some things I hate, in honor of Monday:
Picking wilted lettuce out of the sink.
Small clothes hangers that give my shirts shoulder nipples.

Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

It's pretty amazing how clever we all are.

The hardest thing about yoga, is not farting.

The best way to avoid a hangover is dying in your sleep.

Everyone should have friends that make you laugh so hard you can’t breathe

I always buy vegetables in bulk because I like to save money before I throw it away.