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Don't worry about it going over everyone's head. At least one person will get it. - advice for tweeting/shooting bullets into a crowd
Shit. Tried to high five Johnny for all his Jack Sparrow movies but ended up smacking him in the face. Guess my Depp perception is off.
I'm watching Power Rangers DVDs with my 3 year old nephew, and I can't help but notice they never let the yellow one drive the Megazord.
What's the best type of NIKE DRI-FIT to wear when you're eating brownies in bed by yourself?
If there was a Guinness World Record for masturbating, I'd not only hold the record, but probably masturbate to it.
I once solved a Rubik's Cube by peeling the stickers off and then throwing the entire thing in the trash.
Saw a girl jerk a guy off with her feet in a porn video. If I jerked a guy off with my feet he'd need 40 stitches and a skin graft.
Why is everyone on twitter married? What's the point in being funny if you're not getting laid?
I wish "queer eye for the straight guy" was still on, so i could keep pretending my girlfriend makes me watch it.
If there is one thing I don't get, it's women.
Sure, I understand them perfectly.
I just don't get any.
Twitter takes me places I've never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
A black guy just fist bumped me so I'm probably getting laid or something this weekend.
I feel like I need to buy my liver something expensive and beg it to take me back.
Sex is like riding a bicycle. You never forget how to do it but it's more fun when you're young and eventually, it's not worth the effort.
Any man who smokes a cigarette while weed whacking has undoubtedly fucked hiw wife while drinking a beer. Rules of nature
The best part about spending the night in a Prius: zero nocturnal emissions.
When driving through a school zone, a cop shouldn't worry about me keeping it under 25, he should worry about me keeping it over 18
middle child
