Pair of shoes thrown over the electric wires #NewMonopolyPiece

So America, Lady Gaga, The Bachelor and Dean Koontz are not only acceptable, but best selling? I cringe.

You know, that kinda day when everything is ok and you don't have anything to tweet about.

Twitter, the fact that you recommend I follow @lifeisgood make me want to take a huge dump in the reception area of your corporate offices.

Hey, I just realized I totally suck at being an adult.

Wait, that smell, is it wet wood or dried dog urine?

Rent-A-Condom #storestoavoid

if you play puff the magic dragon at my funeral I will come back as a ghost and haunt you with stinky farts.

I can't wait to play with my pseudo moss covered stones later. They're very compelling.

She lines her egg-laying chamber with soft dried grass #shewantsthedick

i surprise myself at how creepy I can be.

Why are white people so afraid of ripe fruit?

Drive a steamroller into Walmart and gut that bitch. #PreRaptureBucketList

*New Banksy: City of Angels* : *Graff & Street Art* http://t.co/jcFKxIar via @convozine

Texas, come for the jobs, stay for your prison sentence #RejectedStateSlogans

Was Bruno Mars actually given an award? He sings nursery songs for toddlers.

The day Twitter suggests I follow Kim Kardashian is the day I'll swallow lard straight from the tub until I die.

When I was younger, we had two more seasons. They were called Spring and Fall. They were really awesome. I miss them.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie #blamethemuslims

Existence Is Not Real: Photo Set Inspired by Philip K Dick : Black Circle http://t.co/qaTwW1d0 via @convozine