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  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I keep a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff so if I ever have amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm AWESOME!

    • 934
    • FAVS
    shaynaaaxoxobombdiggity327mickybloreninjamoose101BurrellJacob_sweet_hamGinGanderfred_dog
    • 124
    • RETWEETS
    bombdiggity327empathymccmere_sugarGinGanderRSantaferraroJiminyKicksItOwenPaddyVerifiedJayy______
    fred_doglvvzzFlirtyNikka
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think the most exciting part of sex is when I turn on the light and the couple finally sees me.

    • 726
    • FAVS
    WhatsNikeBaconF00TthechrisfenixDeLMarSanmasonhamilton131800Randyjsc2163Radioptic
    • 45
    • RETWEETS
    LAlvord129BOOTY_LURKERTheDeadMou5DarkTallBastardmadshamrinryanmillionsShaunRightNowsimet9
    awescar
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

    • 513
    • FAVS
    ShaunRightNowawescarlaney_maxwellStolenArcherJiminyKicksItchickenfettCVTBabySSFantastic
    • 70
    • RETWEETS
    UncleRipmamasbistromissxautopsypsychedelicate_YimsterFifecrossrootsdocMyViciousMindVerifiedJayy______
    Grammmer
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    If "she'll be riding six white horses when she comes", she's probably a little more woman than I can handle.

    • 417
    • FAVS
    CarlosVanSRoniNuskuDeLMarSanawescar__GXJiminyKicksItchickenfettYimsterFife
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    BronxCheer48VerifiedJayy______andrew4337UnconnectedDots__kittenishcutieJacksT25Warren1286Asktheexperts
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I bet the Catholic bishops are having a hard time cleaning up the sex abuse scandals because they can only move diagonally.

    • 360
    • FAVS
    awescarJiminyKicksItobi_ian_kenobinoblepeterVerifiedJayy______GooberforcechiggerweedsBronxCheer48
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    noblepeterVerifiedJayy______BronxCheer48Ahmad_YousryTheAdlyWTF_RTsUmJammerEmmyZoeytrope
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.

    • 371
    • FAVS
    aThumperJiminyKicksItRohanAlcobi_ian_kenobiblanket_slugTheMichaelRockVerifiedJayy______Gooberforce
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    VerifiedJayy______TheEarth2012alliegirl4224Favstar500Favsbinncheolsallyjaneeefavstar1000favsCarolThompsonMK
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think the funnest part of a prostate exam is when I fake an orgasm.

    • 374
    • FAVS
    carowiczBurds_1awescarTat6277____________GXJiminyKicksItjust_evolvedobi_ian_kenobi
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    NuttysmytnoblepeterAmy6287brammercatVerifiedJayy______Koo_The_BoyiarsetweetJamieBrown01
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think it's amazing that four of the greatest artists of all time were named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

    • 335
    • FAVS
    TylerJBrenWhatsNikeholyceiling______jadetooxxLifeCheetoslilbonoboyllwsnow92awescar
    • 39
    • RETWEETS
    TheJackyDWlNG4RDlUMmelissab233holyceiling______NWBradMatty_WormallCRAZZZZY13QueenJenniferH____
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    A volcano erupted near Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland, which is coincidentally the same exact sound you make while running away from a volcano.

    • 310
    • FAVS
    awescarJiminyKicksItRohanAlcobi_ian_kenobinoblepeterOwenPaddyVerifiedJayy______YimsterFife
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    OwenPaddyVerifiedJayy______Keys_ToMeTheEarth2012SheilaDennisKindaLaurenyFavstar500Favstaylorwallacee
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think it's important to remember that woman aren't sex objects; women are sex people.

    • 308
    • FAVS
    Burds_1JonificoderbyjamesawescarpiskenNachHolezdlvsudhemlocktonic______
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    SportsGuyMarkMariusStefi247JonificodoovusNuttysmytheatherlarson77__ReDHeaDeDTaRT____VerifiedJayy______
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I sex you, but I'm not 'in sex' with you.

    • 306
    • FAVS
    obi_ian_kenobisicksixsixlisaandtotsVerifiedJayy______derbyjameslllvvvzzzMoriayoJihadPizza
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    J_OHHHHHpantie_mongrelsicksixsixVerifiedJayy______LadyGoatNugget____kittenishcutieWalknOnSnshinebaligurl____
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think if babies were invisible, it would be even more awesome to watch breast feedings.

    • 304
    • FAVS
    awescarRohanAlcQueenJenniferH____obi_ian_kenobilisaandtotsVerifiedJayy______YimsterFifelllvvvzzz
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    VerifiedJayy______Saisi_FavoriteNapstermohamedrasheedTheAdlylulusgirl888YearOfRatUnconnectedDots__
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    Pandas probably have black eyes because they're assholes.

    • 301
    • FAVS
    awescarPrick_SpoonwillfernchHotGma52QueenJenniferH____sblmnl_crmnlobi_ian_kenobilisaandtots
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    QueenJenniferH____bcut1j_luce3VerifiedJayy______imrel0adCVTBabyTheEarth2012noisetalkers
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    Christmas Parenting Tip: If a kid asks for a kitten, tell them Santa flies at such a high altitude that all the kittens freeze to death.

    • 283
    • FAVS
    Burds_1awescartpurvis06QueenJenniferH____lisaandtotsVerifiedJayy______GooberforceCVTBaby
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    bcut1VerifiedJayy______andrew4337TheEarth2012runneronnetagentkyleFavstar500FavsVokabre__________
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think that if Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh had their brains swapped, the world would be better because that surgery sounds really risky.

    • 269
    • FAVS
    awescarVerifiedJayy______CVTBabyBronxCheer48lllvvvzzzstankloafJihadPizzaGinaRitter
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    VerifiedJayy______koreanmambaTheEarth2012beccabeccabeccaheatherdempseyWalksWithWineFavstar500Favsfavstar1000favs
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    They say not to bring a knife to a gun fight, so I'd bring a kitten because what kind of sicko would shoot a guy holding a kitten?

    • 272
    • FAVS
    awescarepiphanyx7Sara_louise123obi_ian_kenobid3stinyseeker____VerifiedJayy______GooberforceCVTBaby
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    nessa_irisVerifiedJayy______UnconnectedDots__kittenishcutieTheEarth2012ankushnarulaFavstar500FavsXKalaba
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think if lions got over their fear of chairs, the circus would be a lot more fun to watch.

    • 268
    • FAVS
    derbyjamesawescarobi_ian_kenobilisaandtotsVerifiedJayy______CVTBabyYimsterFifeBronxCheer48
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    VerifiedJayy______BrattyBarbieTheEarth2012KWAIG______mr_cuadradoFavstar500Favsankushnarulafavstar1000favs
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think the best thing about having a mom with a new boyfriend everyday was all the balloons I'd find in her bedroom trash.

    • 267
    • FAVS
    Burds_1awescarnoblepeterDankulaa_cute_rupture____VerifiedJayy______YimsterFifelllvvvzzz
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    DankulaVerifiedJayy______SuzanneTheBoshabiglilkim
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    My favorite sexual position is that gays should be able to marry.

    • 145
    • FAVS
    derbyjamesSkayreisawescarFoodontheFoodthekeeleyllvvzzmultipervepiphanyx7
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    guiltybutterflynorstrandyjzo4____multipervAngelan94VerifiedJayy______DawnRaeSuziDodt_AshleySorensen
    shanethevein
  • plemur
      Nick Alias Plemur @plemur

    I think the best case scenario would be that the case is full of money.

    • 257
    • FAVS
    iNuskuderbyjamesaThumperawescarobi_ian_kenobilisaandtotsVerifiedJayy______Gooberforce
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    VerifiedJayy______Favstar250TheEarth2012gunsandglittersFavstar500FavsScwruDcourtney_sfavstar1000favs
@plemur

@plemur

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.