Covering up your muffin top doesnt make you a cupcake

Has anyone else ever noticed that a peace sign just looks like a circle with a cameltoe?

newest Florida bumper sticker: my honors student pistol-whipped me

Choosing Carlos Mencia as a spokesperson for a product is an amazing idea bc he's really good at reading material written by someone else

My dad will be 60 on Friday. Guess whose getting an urn for their bday!!!

It's not that I dislike the women in sex and the city it's bc of their transvestite horsefaced pimp that I won't give it a chance

My father just referred to basketball as "jungle ball"

My performance last night deserved a standing ovation but all I got was the dirty kind of clap instead :(

I love my auto spelling fix when I'm drunk. Until the next morning

I failed my video game license test

A tweet is about as useful as a brain fart. And takes less effort...

Dating a slut is like eating fast food: less work and no standards.

My dads quote of the day: when u realize the world doesn't revolve around sex n booze you're an adult!!

Whenever an applebees commercial is on tv the now my inner toddler gets excited

im like an oyster - my pussys so tight i get a grain of sand in that shit and i pop out a pearl - fuck the beach

Alcohol is a magical liquid that erases terrible memories

Ive accepted that I'm a filler tweeter and better material at some time may be required but now is just not that time...

Alligators are the poor mans dinosaur

I can't cut onions... they hurt my feelings...

I'm not a hipster...I didn't pierce my own lip...the guy at the tattoo shop did it for me mainstream style