those are not pringles http://t.co/gXUj47CN

This craft beer is telling me to pack my suitcase with white loafers and bars of lightly scented sandalwood soap.

How would you rate this monday on a scale from one to work drunk

I want to thank everybody who ignores me. You've helped create a very specific, very frivolous, type of hatred.

I dont make eye contact because constantly devouring people with my black hole pupils is socially irresponsible/time consuming.

i kno y people like penelope cruz. shes hot & it seems like she;ll do w/e u want. i like paz vega b/c she does whatever SHE wants. #catrun.

I love my mother but I am willing to go to Korea just to get some peace and understanding.

My undying affection goes for practically nothing these days

In space, your butt is a space butt.

The world needs more candid laughter at the end of fun songs

It's all about quantity, not quality, when it's number of souls consumed. That's why I buy baby goldfish crackers.

"I cant be the only one who wants to wrestle naked in this banana boat. What am I gonna do with all of this lube?!" -inventor of sunscreen

Meee and myyyy/dental/hygienist, hygienist/we got a thiiiing/ goin on-ish

Ok birds. Shhh. I am awake. What do you want from me? I'll do your bidding. I'll make you feel good.

"Fuck off shark get your own ocean"- beachgoers, everyone but me.

I wanted sweet corn pizza and now I have some. Believe in yourself.

Suck my butt adversity I just effectively used a mini screwdriver.

Damned girl did you commit original sin because I'm drowning in hellfire everytime I think that about that ass

In my experience, true love is tantamount to pure silent rage.

I want to transition into writing in all caps but I still have a few fucks left to give.