If I'm using anything electronic at all my father will call it nintendo.

I'm sorry but it's only acceptable to wear socks and sandals if you're a girl and you're not wearing socks.

This is the worst twitter episode ever.

What's that thing called when you fart under the covers and hold your girlfriend's head under until she dies and you bury her in the yard?

When I tweet something that's obviously hilarious and it gets no love I wonder if I should change my avi.

"I bite you because I love you. Feed me?" -- my cat.

I'm going to bed guys, no more twitter for me tonight. (Don't worry, I'll be back after my girlfriend falls asleep)

My girlfriend is tiny and sweet as hell but if my mother calls her by the ex girlfriend's name one more time today there's gonna be a scene.

I have a pocket full of Rice Krispie Treats. No, I am not happy to see you.

When I see the words "prolapsed anus" in your bio I feel like I have to follow you.

I swear I'll only call the AT&T store so many times before I just go down there and embarrass myself.

I need a shower so bad a shower probably won't even help.

Girlfriends make the best pillows.

Sometimes, when women fart, it goes right into their vagina. That's what we're eating guys--a fart pocket.

This ketchup is either really good or I'm just a fatass.

If my dad ever tells you how much he loves Melissa Tormane he means Marisa Tomei.

I'm gonna watch interview with a vampire and wish I was a vampire.

First you fall in love...then you fail at love...then you tweet.

If you want Goldfish crackers and you get Goldfish pretzels instead then you're as dumb as I am right now.

I'd sleep better with a clit in my mouth.