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Twitter is like that relationship where you agree to keep it casual, and then you become more obsessed with it every day.
Many of us drink heavily, but we're not alcoholics. Alcoholics go to meetings and take responsibility for their actions. We're just drunks.
I drive a pick-up truck, but you don't see me hanging a vagina off the trailer hitch.
If I get arrested, I am going to ask for a tweet instead of a phone call.
Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"
April is Alcohol Awareness Month. Nice try April...we’ve been aware of alcohol for a long time.
Hubby is English, but he celebrates the 4th with the family. He just calls it "The day we lost an away game."
Why do all my husband’s chores like taking out the trash, changing the furnace filter & making me come end up being my chores eventually?
When will raccoons learn to spend less time on teaching their young to get into trash cans and a little more time on crossing the street.
Hey you guys making fun of the people you see in Walmart…you were in Walmart too.
Get off Twitter if you want proper grammar & political correctness. We're lucky we can even form a coherent sentence most of the time.
Yes Twitter, I've been cheating on you with books. Sometimes I just like it deeper.
At least once a week, I find myself yelling "This is why I don't own a gun!" at my kids.
We went to an upscale Mexican restaurant tonight. I am looking forward to fancy diarrhea later.
10yr old started saying a'ight today. I am going to call her Shaniqua until she stops.
Apparently I am in the 1%...of people who actually know how to merge into traffic.
Can we sue babies and puppies for bait and switch? They are so cute when you first get them and then it just goes to hell.
16yr old just got his first job. I can't wait until he holds his first check in his hands and mumbles to himself "Who the fuck is FICA?"
On the edge of insanity. Having children is easy. Trying to raise them without screwing them up is the challenge. Don't try this at home.
