My career with the Beastie Boys came to an abrupt halt when I dozed off on our way to Brooklyn.

FB friend updated his status saying his grandpa died. I accidentally "liked" it and had to make up a story of how he molested me as a child.

I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore and I'm hoping that earns me a few extra points when Jesus comes back up in this bitch.

Hey everybody, I just ruined my wife's ENTIRE curtain shopping experience. Thought you should know since everyone at this Lowe's does.

Nothing makes me feel like more of a glutton than when the waiter at Olive Garden has to take a break while grating cheese onto my plate.

Just met a guy named Duane Cook. He's not very funny either.

The Patriots are to the Broncos what science is to religion.

If you've never played Battleship, you're really missing the boat. (this is how it's done folks. twitter gold, right here.)

Got kinda weirded out when I looked at my butthole in the bathroom mirror. So did that nosey Wendy's janitor.

Anal sex is a lot like trying to insert a USB drive upside down.

Anyone else's kids cry over the story of Santa dying on the cross for our presents?

Trying to get my shit together. Should I be using like a stick or something?

I just ate a whole bag of beef jerky while watching The Outdoor Channel. You happy now Dad?!

The only thing scarier than my mom finding my twitter is finding out one of you is my mom.

Just started smoking cold turkey.

If I ever turn into a pirate, I imagine the first 3 or 4 stops would be mostly raping and not much pillaging.

If you see me scratching my nose, odds are, I'm sniffing my balls.

I tried to call your bluff like 3 times but it kept going straight to voicemail.

How do you girls get your buttholes so tan?

Tapout is having a winter sale on all their clothing if you have any date rapists on your Christmas shopping list.