In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes "Kodak" with "Kodak."

The length of your iPhone cord, plus one inch, is how far away the outlet is from the hotel bedside table.

Couples who always like each others posts were the weird kids in kindergarten who used to lick hands in the corner and said that was love.

A girl swiftly rubbing your back during a hug is the physical manifestation of the friend zone.

Is there anything more Caucasian than the fake thunder sound accompanying the vegetable-misting machine at Whole Foods?

If anyone needs a photo of the Eiffel Tower, don't worry, my friend posted one on Facebook so we should be set.

Hey, commercials, I've been to a laundromat. The people who you think are there aren't there.

"It's really scary." -Kim Kardashian, in every single ad for any of her shows

Number of times I've explained something as "very Waiting for Godot"? 53. Number of times I've seen or read Waiting for Godot? 0.

I like TV titles when a word drops in between two other words. Whoa! This new word changes everything I once thought! And it has attitude!

Shirley Bassey is still in my apartment, just belting "Goooooooollllllld!" Not complaining, but in case her family is wondering...

I love that Hobbes probably knew what sex was, but around Calvin, he only talked about smooches. Class act.

Taylor Swift is the girl in the middle seat of a Toyota Camry, talking the whole way from LA to San Francisco as you're trying to sleep.

Sorry, your password needs a number, a capital letter, and the name of the girl in kindergarten who kissed your leg and you were like whoa.

If this were a sitcom, Kevin Ware would say "I wanna jump for joy!" And his teammates would be like "Nooooo!!" Freeze frame. End of show.

Hey, CNN, you can't say that Blagojevich's 15 minutes are up while you're simultaneously covering him.

Emails with a distant friend's name as the subject line are never good.

Old Navy is like my weird friend from third grade. Like, I know we used to be really close, but if you asked me if I knew him I'd say no.

I'd like Jesus more if he was named God Jr.

I'm legitimately worried that the new Arrested Development will have a "Call Me Maeby" joke.