For a straight woman I sure seem to pick a lot of men who turn out to be pussies.

If I had a dick I'd whack unsuspecting people with it on the head on the bus. If they complained. I'd cry and say, "But it's my birthday"

A little girl just ate my son's booger on the playground. Not sure if I am proud of his skills of persuasion at his age, or mortified.

I'm so jaded by twitter now I've began giving my facebook friends shit for their real names being so unoriginal.

Come on over I made pancakes. I promise to not tell you which ones I dropped on the floor.

Future reference to my uncle who thought his cat had run away for 2 days: A closet that reeks of cat shit, piss, and meows has a cat in it.

These stains on my carpet make it look like I don't know how to rub one out.

Whoever said living with your family can slowly drive you mad was wrong about the timing.

I wish the butt of some of those sweat pants would just read, I'm sorry.

Not in the mood to be social today. If you want to slouch in a dark corner of a trashy bar, drink and sneer at people, I'm up for that.

I'd say people are assholes, but then I'd be saying my asshole was a person and that's too freaky for me.

My son just squealed so loud in my ear I can barely hear a thing. Can you guys tweet in all caps for the rest of the night? Thanks

I seem to have a look that pisses off wives, and mother's of teenage boys. Well, fuck off ladies. I'm just buying broccoli.

Late night tweets? Cause....I don't do a damn thing unless it's in vain.

I need to reassess my not interested in your whole life story look. This one is not working.

I wish all the birds outside my window would at least get their shit together and sing in harmony.

Lady you're not getting this stall until I finish this shit tweet.

I feel pretty safe knowing that I have nothing to look forward to today.

I just come here at night for the bedtime stories.

The quicker a guy averts his eyes when I catch him staring at me...the better the chance I will see him with his wife within 5 mins.