I can't give you the moon but I can give you a bunch of fucking stars.

This much I know...All it takes is the right person to retweet your masterpiece.

Some of the best people to follow are the ones that only retweet. I find so much good stuff that way.

Don't be such a tight ass with your stars.

The only thing standing between me & the worlds greatest tweet is a moment of clarity.

I don't know why I star some of the shit that I do.

Twitter is a dream come true for under achievers.

If I was a famous celebrity I would read everything said about me on twitter and let it completely destroy me.

I like prescription strength tweets and some of the over-the-counter stuff.

My idea of fun? You're looking at it.

To all the women out there who are thinking about asking me for a picture of my dick: Hurry the fuck up!

I refuse to eat at restaurants that are listed on the stock exchange. Fuck those clowns.

Twitter is a step up from writing on bathroom walls.

Your tweets are an inspiration to douchebags everywhere.

I'll buy you one of those foo-foo drinks if you suck my dick.

What do you guys do while you're waiting for my next tweet?

It's not easy being the most irrelevant person on twitter.

I'm very concerned about all the drugs my followers are using. I care for everyone of you & want you around for a long time to star my shit.

That shitty tweet you just posted makes me feel better about the shitty tweet I just posted.

Nothing says sexual frustration like a comb-over.