I would like to meet the guy that coined the term "Shitfaced",and hear his drunken story that earned the title.

(42) Bucket List: Dress up in an expensive suit. Spend a day at a huge office building walking into random offices firing people.

Those hands free soap dispensers always leave me feeling like a robot just came in my hands.

I'm so lonely I now refer to my sock drawer as " The Whorehouse ".

You know your dentist has stopped caring when you wake up from the gas and he is still naked having a cigarette and a glass of wine.

Thought I drunkenly cheated last night cause I made out w/ this brunette w/bad breath. Turns out it was a 69 with my blonde girlfriend.

I'm running out if excuses for the wife as to why only the babysitters I drive home quit.

I thought " Harlem Shake " was what I smoked when I couldn't afford an 1/8.

I keep FB around in hopes that all these people that post pictures of every moment of their lives will eventually post their funeral pics

When you're being put in a cop car for being drunk in public.....I do not recommend yelling "Shotgun!"
Unless you like being tazered!

I hope the next time Taylor Swift gets dumped......it's off a bridge in a rolled up carpet. Then we won't have to hear her sing about it.

I blame the obesity epidemic on the Chinese. After all they are the ones who got us looking for answers by eating a cookie.

This gym doesn't have any equipment!


Just a bunch of computers linked to Facebook so you can tell everyone you're here!

Back in the day she was known as " Sugar Tits " now that she's older she's just plain old "Sweet and Low"

I started dating her when she was known as "Sugar Tits".. That was 20 yrs ago when she had a firm rack.
Now she's more like "Sweet and Low"

When people ask me if I farted?

I lean in close and whisper"actually I shit my pants"
And then go back 2casually reading my People magazine

I will lick a girl strangers asshole, but I will not eat eggplant.???

When I m humping Doggystyle and I crack after 2 minutes.......It's really like 9 minutes in Dog Years right?

Insomnia must be Latin for Twitter

My Jewish girlfriend hates when I hide in the oven to scare her.