Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Sometimes I feel like no one wants to talk to me, but then they do and it ruins my day.
Twitter is impossible to explain in real life. I just end up making vomiting noises.
I'm the proud owner of most of my teeth.
Just arrived at the bf's house. Better squeeze out the last farts before I go in.
On Facebook, I try to ruin everyone's day. On Twitter, it seems like you all like it.
I think people ask about my weekend just to interrupt and tell me about their weekend.
The more you talk about sex, the less you get it. Exhibit A: Twitter.
If I were a stripper, I would walk around the club screaming LOOK AT IT, THIS IS WHAT YOU PAID FOR and pointing at my cooter.
People who have pictures of themselves as their phone background. Wtf?
I came over to see your dog, not you. Go away.
Turns out that celery is just an edible peanut butter shovel.
THERE IS NO VOLUME LOUD ENOUGH FOR LED ZEPPLIN.
Is anyone else having problems making their stars stick? Do I have to lick the phone first?
I'm going to go in the men's room and pee on all of the seats.
I would take a picture to prove that I am shitting while on Twitter, but I trust you to believe me.
I tell people IRL about my Twitter in the hopes that they will unfollow me IRL.
Little known fact: Granny panties make excellent kites.
Don't forget, guys. Gerbils do not belong in butts.
He giveth a fuck and he taketh a fuck away.
If you butt dial me, I'll stay on the line.
you say you can't stand her, the bastard's a girl.