Just arrived at the bf's house. Better squeeze out the last farts before I go in.

The more you talk about sex, the less you get it. Exhibit A: Twitter.

Ok, get your fingers over the "unfollow" button...here it comes...Obama should kiss me, because I like to be kissed when I am being fucked.

Twitter is impossible to explain in real life. I just end up making vomiting noises.

I counted 25 pictures of the same baby eating the same cookie on the same facebook album. Keep it classy over there. Emphasis, OVER THERE.

Coffee + cigarette + twitter = poop

Not in the mood for stupidity today. I should probably stay home and away from facebook.

Unlimited supply of Dum Dums at the bank. And I don't mean the lollipops.

I seriously love old traditional grainy poorly recorded blues.

At this branch we're not supposed to have our cell phones out. Guess what rule I am breaking?

"What do you mean you don't take Canadian coins?" BECAUSE THIS BANK IS IN AMERICA.

Guys, I am just making this up as I go.

If anything sounds fishy, just fucking google it.

FUCKING. KILLER. MULLET. Just floated passed. Mouth, agape with bad teeth. Gender? Unable to determine.

On the train to Chicago. If you're pissing in the corner, I will kick you square in the ass.

I am going to Chicago on Sunday. So if I start tweeting "daymn grl shitz fur reel" they mugged me and took my phone.

I apparently cannot put a shirt on properly. How is your morning going?

It's a win-win-win situation. She can stay in bed, get fat, and I don't have to be offended by her bulk. We all win.

This tweet brought to you by cigarettes and gas station coffee.

Oh thank god! I have one more book from the library to read. So I will have something to do at work.