Oh please, Tori Amos, play me another rape song on your harpsichord.

If I'm chewing food on the phone with you, I think you're ugly.

Pretty sure my third bottle of wine was what impressed the pants off of my in-laws.

Between drunk or skinny, I chose drunk.

Just put a bra on for the pizza delivery man. Girl has got to have standards.

Anyone who doesn't have their phone on vibrate is a complete asshole.

After about 10 minutes of really enjoying the Olympics, I realized I was watching Wipeout.

I find that I can be a really attentive lover if the battery in my phone dies.

Wanna piss a man off?
Tell him you know the faster shortcut.

I once liked the color pink...until "PINK" was stretched over every fat ass in small town America.

Tommy Lee Jones is a good reason not to buy HDTV.

How am I supposed to make coffee before I've had coffee!?!?

I'm positive that old man carrying his case of beer on the handle bars of his bike is doing it for the planet and not due to his DUI.

Hey! Couples who sit on the same side of the booth,....puke.

Christ!! The number if times this shit radio station plays Tom Petty in a day, you'd think he was holding them at knife point.

Just once I'd like not to have that soaring sense of terror when my credit card takes longer than 3 seconds to be approved

Nothing says "ladies lunch" like making the waitress cry.

Fact: Every single person named Randy is a dumb ass.

Ah, sir, you've made some great decisions in your life. Beginning with that sweet neck tattoo.

It won't have been a life worth living unless they play "Yakkity Sax" at my funeral.