The gym sure was crowded this morning. And by "gym" I mean my plate. With waffles.

They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

If Channing Tatum doesn’t call his kids Tatum tots then I’m not even sure what the point is anymore.

How sure are we that Nicki Minaj isn't just an emoji that became self aware?

Super Bowl party tip: every time Baltimore does something good high five a friend & say “That’s so Ravens!”

Somewhere there’s a cat named Pablo Picatso and that’s what keeps me going you guys.

Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

Does Kristen Stewart even know how good she’d be at poker?

Hipster zombies want this really obscure part of your brain. You've probably never heard of it.

Saying you're moving to Canada cause you're upset about Obamacare is like saying you're moving to Hogwarts cause you're upset about magic.

Two things about girls:

1. They are amazing.
2. They will destroy you.

ChristianMingle is also a great site if you’re just looking to get an incredible side hug.

If by "clubbing" you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I'm pretty into the club scene.

Apparently it's "unprofessional" to sign your work emails with "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."

Nothing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

I’d rather get mauled by a bear than pronounce Bon Iver in front of a table of hipsters.

Soup always burns hipsters' mouths cause they eat it before it's cool.

Being skinny is hard because pizza.

Judging by all the white people in here, Cracker Barrel is the most appropriately named restaurant ever.

Do you think Reese Witherspoon calls her kids Reese’s Pieces cause I hope so.