C'mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

I want to get “I love you” drunk.

Is “ea” 69 for midgets?

My online dating profile is just list of things I like doing alone.

My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.

Most days I can barely keep myself alive. You single parents are rock stars.

If you wanted to fall in love with me, you’d better hurry up. I’m not getting any better.

All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

Hug me like you're squeezing the sadness out of me.

My mirror wants to see other people.

You're "hold your hand in public" cute.

Just realized I’ve had my life on backwards this whole time.

You made my heart skip a beat.

And another.

And another.

And another.

And another.

That's too many I'm dead now.

Free speech isn’t a free pass to be an asshole.

Pick a number between 7 and 7 that represents the number of doughnuts I have had today.

Your soulmate is the first person you think of when you hear NIN’s “Closer.”

I whisper “I’m sorry” after every tweet I post.

I'm putting up with a lot of shit here simply because I can't find the unfollow button.

AT LEAST THIS ICE CREAM WON’T ABANDON ME!

[ice cream melts]

*sobs*