You'll never succeed at Twitter if you're not bored shitless with most other aspects of your life.

If it weren't for Twitter, I would never know what was happening in Australian politics.

It's suddenly become clear to me that if Twitter were a living organism, it would subsist on bacon, vodka, and broken souls.

I can't wait to tell my five-year-old how I got drunk one night and used "Twitter" to arrange her marriage with a perfect stranger's son.

Our new neighbors just moved in, so of course I had to vacuum the whole house wearing nothing but lacy black underwear. #Welcometothehood

One day, you're innocently tweeting, and next thing you know, you're trolling Twitter's back alleys, promising hand jobs for stars.

My iPhone is turning me into Gollum. I snatch it from my kids' hands, run to a dark corner with it, stroke it and mumble to myself.

This minty fresh body soap should come with a warning label: May make your genitalia feel like it has freezer burn.

For some masochistic reason, we let our kids watch Barney every morning.

We're having a new elliptical machine delivered today. It will be so nice to have a coat rack again.

I'm handing out stars like a Special Ed teacher today.

Road trip to Canada today! I'm on a mission to prove that Canadians are actually rude, unapologetic hedonists. Wish me luck!

I feel completely dominated and terrorized by my 2 y/o. She is turning into some hideous nazi-al qaeda-Sarah Palin hybrid.

Trying to explain Twitter to non-users is impossible. BFF and her hubs are "worried" that I tweet. WTF. It's not like using crack... er...

If my parents could see what I tweet about, I'd be grounded for a week with no Atari.

Dear Prince of Darkness,
Please evacuate yourself from my children's souls and bodies.
Thank you very much.
Best, Psycho Lady

Twitter: the best way to have fight sex.

Following the Dalai Lama is like a nice palate cleanser between all the dick jokes.

If you are young, white, and drive a Buick LeSabre, I'm going to assume you are the type of serial killer that still lives with his mom.

Here's a little mind bender for a Saturday morning: can anyone name a Kate Winslet movie where she doesn't show her tits?