As a child I felt it was important to stay chubby so I would not fit in a duffle bag.

I know it's time to get a new vibrator when my neighbors ask me to stop playing my vuvuzela all night.

I'm a little sad that no one saw me do the MC Hammer side shuffle to the linen closet for toilet paper.

Napping when I could be cleaning is me getting even with my hubby for playing video games when he should be plowing me like a cotton field.

I am working on making soft core hamster porn. It's soft core because hamster junk is sooo tiny that the little pizza box covers everything!

Life is too short for to be annoyed by one person so I let several people annoy the shit outta me all at once.

I can hear the church bells, they seem to be calling me a whore.

I left my cat in the bathroom after dropping a deuce. Some call it cruel, I call it revenge.

When the hubby is really tanked I put him in a Minnie Pearl dress and his Storm Trooper helmet and tie his junk to a pole. #goodtimes

I blame Smashing Pumpkins for the smashing of my pumpkin.

The little part of me the likes to be in control insists on having my bush in corn rows.

Everyone should have a different talent so eventually my vagina will learn to juggle.

When I close my eyes REALLY tight, I see a hounds tooth pattern but in the shape of little penises. #penisenvy #fashionista

I would like to have a fish tank with a view into both the bedroom and bathroom so my pets can be equally disgusted with me.

My foot is about to become the Ambassador of this silly bitches ass.

Marijuana is like a push up bra for my existing paranoia.

I stayed up way too late and now my vibrator is pissed and went to sleep on the couch.

Chased the pool boy around wearing nothing but a strap on. #ThingsIDidOverTheSummer

In addition to my last tweet I must remember to squeeze my eyes tight and my ass cheeks tighter when sneezing.

I guess my cuticles would be the other, other white meat.