Why would anybody want to remove laser hair!?

I think I've vagina proofed myself on accident.

My 252 followers can beat up your 15k followers.

I'm a catch.... and release, apparently

Next time I get in a bar fight, I'm going to grab a pool stick break it over my knee,twirl both halves and say 'thats your cue to leave'

I don't think my tweets have reached my target audience yet.

Take every english word that ends in 'tion' change the tion to 'cion'. There, I just taught you 1,000,000 spanish words.

I love the fact that my daughter is so independent, I mean 2 years old and already watching herself.

I love how people just walk around with a Snickers in their pocket just in case their friend gets hungry and starts being an asshole.

Jabba did have sex with Leia and they named their baby Adele.

My uncle used to give girls his number on the back of fake ATM reciepts that said he had $5,000,000 in the bank. Slick ass fat fuck.

Nice guys finish last because they make sure the girl is satisfied first.

Speedo got their name from the way women run away from dudes wearing them,right?

Excuse me, but your inability to get a joke is showing.

Revenge is a dish best served immediately, before they even realise they fucked up.

Hey you guys, I think this porn bot really likes me she's just shy and hasn't tweeted yet.

If my bills are so 'outstanding', why do these collection agencies keep calling?

I can take a bra off with one hand easily, they're called scissors you guys.

I won't do drugs! My uncle smoked a marijuana cigarette once & two weeks later he was hit by a bus. Too risky.

I'm going to bed, got to be up in 5 and half hours. So I'll see you in 5 minutes when I check my phone again to see if anyone likes me yet.