All human wisdom is contained in these two words - Fuck It

I hate when people tell me a book is a real page turner. I know how books work.

I am tormented at night by the idea that everything funny has been said

If James Hetfield left Metallica to preach the Gospel on Sesame Street he'd go from Master of Puppets to Pastor of Muppets.

I know I’m dealing with an idiot when someone tells me “nothing rhymes with orange”, because nothing and orange don’t sound anything alike.

Besides your body pillow and Yoda how many people are you willing to hug, honestly?

I'm optimistic that I might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided she exists, and I find her this afternoon.

Twitter the Psychotic Friends Network.

Just once in life I'd like to be able to tell a woman, "Gets your hands off me!" Then have her ignore that command

Four out of five dentists agree: Dentist #5 is just being a dick.

Terrible news from my fortune cookie: it is highly likely that you will be held accountable for your actions.

Your morality is lacking if all you want is a child born, but not fed, not educated, not housed. That’s not pro-life. That’s pro-birth.

I'm saving real hygiene for someone who really loves me

Nothing wrong with putting a women on a pedestal, but fastening her there with nails, adhesives, & bulky straps tends to ruin the look.

If I see a human being in pain, I feel some measure of sympathy, but I can let it go. I see an animal suffering, that stays longer.

There's great pleasure in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound.

As my friend, family, even acquaintance you will never have to hide who you are. You will never have to feel guilty for who you want to be.

Well, you see, when a man, a mountain goat, a dominatrix, a falaffel, and seven chicken pot pies love each other very much...."

Snickering gets me down, if you're going to laugh at me come full out with guffaws. I demand full howling, roaring laughter behind my back.

I hope one day to be the icon of pirate cowgirl lesbians everywhere.