I've stood dry-eyed at births, graduations, weddings, bedside death vigils, funerals. But sometimes a great song tears me up. Deal with it.

I'm not going to lie. Sometimes when I'm washing a load of clothes I feel like just throwing in the towel.

Sociologists predict that starting next year Celebrity Apprentice, American Idol, & The Biggest Loser will swap titles & no one will notice.

I live in a land where I can buy an Uzi at a garage sale unmolested, but cup of coffee or laundry bag comes with dangerous legal warnings.

Trust me, you're going to want me in your corner.

Otherwise, I'm just always going to be standing there in the middle of your damn room.

Reason #49 for not whining about your life: You just saw a father patiently help his severely disabled teen son go to the bathroom.

Weird how people are always burning bridges. Because in my experience there's usually water somewhere nearby.

I'm going to have to miss work again. Those helicopter seed pods are landing in my driveway. Free toy prizes with every breeze.

Sometimes makes your whole day when little kid spontaneously smiles & waves at you. No sarcastic or ironic twist here. (smiles, waves back)

FACTS: 1) A child dies every 45 secs of malaria; 2) 3 yo Paisley won the "Grand Supreme" on Toddlers&Tiaras for dressing up as a prostitute.

A NOVELLA is a classic Mexican novel, such as Tequila Mockingbird, Juan Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and what have you.

Wife says she feels safer since I'm exercising: "Sir, think twice before attacking me, my husband can run slowly for very long distances."

Porn bores me. Sometimes for hours and hours.

There was a lizard in my mailbox and I'm all like dude that's like a federal offense.

When I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing* at work, I feel obligated to stay longer doing nothing to compensate for it. *Twitter

#NewCrackerJackToys
AFLAC Glow-in-the-Dark Duck Caller (Made in Japan)
@michaelianblack

I can't look a gift horse in the mouth, lead him to water, change him midstream...Look, thanks, but just not that comfortable around horses.

Unhand me, you cad! Okay, now hand me. Unhand me! Now hand me sloooowly. Unhand me. Hand me...faster, faster. #harlequinbromance

Some of my worst friends are white people.

I think you have an ideal shape & contemplate our manifest forms fitting together in esthetically pleasing ways. So yeah just platonic love.