Sometimes I think I'm the girl you date just before you meet the right girl.

I've accepted that I will never truly understand men. To the best of my deductive reasoning men are made of meat, cheese and porn.

It would be considered the walk of shame. 1. If I could walk and 2. If I was ashamed

If the fate of the world depended on my falling asleep and waking up at 10am you'd all be goners.

You can't keep a good woman down.. Unless its head pinned to the pillow lightly choked and taken from behind

If you hear a girl yell out “By the power of Grey Skull!!!”
Congratulations we’re in the same bathroom.

Clearly you're a man of distinction hitting on girl in the tampon aisle.
Well played sir. Well played.

I miss being entirely lost in someone

When I committed to no more beer before bed, I never said anything about whiskey.

Girl math: For every bad photo your friends tag you in on FB, you must add 3 hot recent ones.

Pretty sure Darth Vader is behind me in line. I'm afraid to look.

I don't know why guys give that up once they know they have you. It kinda ruins the fun of it all.

I like to drunk dial the IRS

Relationship status : it’s complicated with benefits and alcohol

So I needed Lube, go ahead unfollow you frigid bitches.

I just want to rock one persons world for the rest of my life.

I will just end up hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. So as it turns out maybe I was in love after all.

You can make me show up, but don't expect me to give a fuck.

Eating right is a cake walk compared to eliminating the "F Bomb" out of my vocabulary.

That pretty much describes my hormones right now. I want fight, fuck and kill anything in my path.