I bet the snakes have their alternate history, like "Today we celebrate escaping that hellhole of Ireland."

The paradox of Ann Coulter is how she can be a smelly cunt and a giant douche at the same tine.

Happy Birthday to Czar of Noir Eddie Muller! You should all see @thrillpeddlers Shocktoberfest show of plays he wrote!

I forgot to mention in my HOT COFFEE review that every time I see Sen. Franken in action, he's even more of a hero to me. #sfiff

CHILD'S PLAY IN MY PANTS #moviesinmypants

Finally shook off my hangover and got my reviews of @thraveboy's films up on my blog http://bit.ly/1KriVq

Open up Ryan Gosling, here comes the airplane into the hangar! (note: not a sex joke)  http://www.happyplace.com/23833/ryan-gosling-wont-eat-his-cereal …

I've been sitting on a Mooninite joke since 2007 just waiting for a bomb in Boston. Now it seems kinda pointless.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_Boston_bomb_scare …

I'd try to make an offensive joke about Roger Ebert's passing, but it would just get a thumbs down.

I'm celebrating Passover by getting so wasted that if the Angel of Death comes by he'll take one look and think he's already been here.

Okay, you doubters who thought it couldn't be done. I actually spent all Thursday without having a drink.

Seeing CONGRATULATIONS! at #Cinequest made me wonder where the heck is @happyfunpaul and why isn't he here?

@perfect_timing Let me Google that at work.... Shit, now I'm fired.

Girl Scout cookies are on sale! $4 each, but the girls didn't have any $1's to make change. Solution - I bought 5 boxes.

Let's delay the fiscal cliff until April 1, then every year delay it one more year? That reflects Congress' sense of fiscal responsibility.

My sister: I was going to get pumpkin vodka, but I didn't know what to mix with it. Me: you mix the sad desperation of life.

Just to make sure...Florida can have its 10-day recount wank-fest and it doesn't change the result, right?

Daniel Inouye, badass before he was senator http://t.co/qpSA2dpf

Jason goes to the Dark Room to see The Princess Bride Live!: The Dark Room has built a bit of a local reputation... http://t.co/TfYHIbvp

Jason skips Burning Man: For the first time since 1997, there will be a Burning Man and I won't be there for any... http://t.co/LXjNuJiR