@pvaras' (Patrick Varas) most faved Tweets...
In following it's tradition of showcasing women who can't possibly be real, Playboy will be featuring Marge Simpson on a cover.
Fixed my PC, yet was unsure on how much air to put in my car tires. If you are a nerd chick who takes the bus, I am the man for you.
I've eaten an entire box of Orange flavored Tic Tacs today. Now to find a woman from Florida who wants a little taste of home.
Tsunamis come with only a 3 minute warning. Perfect. Plenty of time for me to know the love of a good woman before I check out.
Satan issues statement, says he is in no way responsible for the earthquake. He does, however, take full responsibility for Pat Robertson.
Went on the porch to get some air when a deer came out of the shadows so quickly that I inadvertently marked my own territory.
Hillary Clinton and I share the same birthday. We also share tenacity, a dream of world peace, and we both wear pants every day.
Happy Birthday John Lennon! To celebrate, I'm going to have a Beatles Rock Band party and have my girlfriend break it up.
Guy who's wallet I found and turned in called me to thank me. Told him to keep the reward; the call was enough #faithinhumanityrestored
October, I put up with your schizo goth rebelliousness. However, cut the crap and make up your mind: Do I need a coat or not?
According to my spam folder, Dirty Sluts will do anything. If they pick fruit and clean, our immigration problem would disappear.
I found myself alone with an attractive woman today. I was bold and removed my shirt. Unfortunately, she was an ER nurse.
The problem with Death Panels is, with Paula gone, there is nobody to make you feel better as you are voted to die.
Performing an exorcism on my PC to rid it of Vista. I'll need a copy of Windows 7, a picture of Bill Gates, and a bucket for the data purge.
Disney Stores turning into "Imagination Parks". Parents try to imagine a world in which a stuffed Mickey Mouse doesn't cost $50.
I gambled and bought my lunch from the street fair. How nice of The Universe to prove to me that gambling really isn't my forte.
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