Miss Utah is a perfect example of what happens when the public pageant system graduates contestants without the necessary skills to survive.

The word Tweet has been recognized as a word by the Oxford dictionary, giving the word multiple meanings like "aloha", "bright", or "f*ck".

I'm not superstitious, but nobody told me to have a great day today. Now I fear mediocrity and being bummed out at any minute.

As a father to three children, I'd like to impart the best piece of advice years of fatherhood had taught me: Lefty Loosey, Righty Tighty.

Happy show me the respect that I deserve day!

Experts say Cap'n Crunch is only a Commander. What's next? Sunny the Cuckoo bird has Borderline Personality Disorder for Cocoa Puffs?

Microsoft has released Office 365 for the iPhone, assuring that Angry Birds will continue to be the number one iPhone app.

Octomom is accused of welfare fraud. She's also accused of being a slumlord who allowed eight tenants to live in a space built for one.

Mirrors on the bedroom ceiling: Exciting.

Mirrors on the Bathroom ceiling: Not so Much.

Foursquare introduces Time Machine, a feature that visualizes how agonizingly predictable you are.

Cicadas: Natures way of letting us know that the Earth needs a new fan belt.

I've never been guilty of being one of those people, but I have been accused of being that guy.

The "Night Stalker", condemned to death in 1985 has died in prison of natural causes. California's new "Time" method of execution a success.

Ironically, my Donut Day ritual of dousing myself in coffee, covering myself in frosting and finding a hole is also my Friday night ritual.

A couple who worked as life coaches committed suicide together. I'm guessing because of financial burdens due to lack of clients.

Patrick has a quarter in each pocket. If he puts both quarters in one pocket, how much f*cking noise will he make as he walks?

Michelle Obama confronted a heckler and made her stand down. President Obama immediately promotes the First Lady to Secretary of Defense.

There's a woodpecker banging on a tree in my yard and all I can think about is how he must be a maniac on the dance floor.

Michael Douglas claims oral sex caused his throat cancer. Great. So now, laying back and screaming "YES!" causes cancer. Cancer sucks.

My wild side and spontaneous nature can be summed up in one sentence: Shaving before showering. Right? I know!