I asked a guy with a soaked shirt if it was raining, because if one is ever to understand the douche, one must become the douche.

A hero is many things to many people. The charitable man, the woman who knows CPR, the dude who changes the TP in the mens room. Heroes all.

NASA is working on a 3D food printer. In the future, printer jams will be fixed with Milk of Magnesia by repairmen with medical degrees.

In another time my dirty little secrets would be called innovative and I would be hailed as a genius in an unspoken yet awesome field.

Yahoo to buy Tumblr for 1 Billion. To be fair, Tumblr will share some of their success money with the ASPCA and whoever invented the selfie.

RIP Dick Trickle. He was man enough to race cars, but more importantly, he was man enough not to demand to be called Richard. #GUTS

My companies health plan is so great that there are free, unlimited amounts chocolates, soda and bags of Doritos.

Google CEO Larry Page opens up about how he lost his voice, says he's been diagnosed with countingmoneyalldaylongitis.

Sometimes I take my glasses off at my desk and I don't realize it until I've written five pages that only Mr. Magoo would understand.

Daft Punk releases more of their new album and astronaut Chris Hadfield sings Space Oddity. Today is a big day for musicians in helmets.

The Air Force has stripped 17 officers of their ability to launch nukes. Officers to get thumbs surgically reattached once marks improve.

Did they not have Mountain Dew in Miami in the 80's? 'cause if they did Tony Montana's nose would be green instead of white. WHEE!

Nancy Grace may be nuts, but she somehow parlayed her deviant crime fetish into a full time job. Crazy like a deviant, insane, haggish fox.

If the Jodi Arias verdict dosen't summon the fail whale she can kiss any book or movie deals goodbye.

Even after two months, there's still a 50/50 chance I'll pull the door that is clearly marked push. I'm a fan of consistency.

EA licensed to make new Star Wars video games. Games available next year, but servers went down a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

Apparently 3D printers can print real guns that shoot real bullets. Petty office disputes still petty, but now horrifying.

Inmates are reviewing prisons on Yelp. So far Sing Sing has fared the best with an overall rating of four and a half shivs out of five.

McDonalds is considering offering breakfast all day long. World peace and a cure for cancer can't be far off.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was rushed to emergency surgery for a torn hernia. Luckily the worlds top petrologist was available to operate.