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Dear Spouses or future spouses or wannabe spouses, do NOT say “Really? A second bottle of wine?” Because that’s how stabbings happen.
I don’t care if you love boys, girls or penguins. Just be nice, for fucks sake.
And Saturday said- Let there be beer. And there was beer. And it was good…
I do not trust people that can lose their phone and not go batshit insane.
Men, listen up: Grey is sexy as fuck.
Priorities. Either you are one, or you’re not.
Hey fathers, take that shit seriously. Because it’s important. And you don’t get a do over.
One of these days I’m going to learn from my mistakes. Just apparently not today.
Anxiety is a motherfucking twat.
I’m pretty sure no one is ever going to ask me to donate part of my liver.
My child just asked her father if he married me because “her boobs are ginormo”. I have NO WORDS.
4 wake up calls, 3 grouchy kids, 2 slammed doors and a partridge in a fucking pear tree.
Some call it “Irrationally blowing shit out of proportion and making a fool of yourself”.
I call it “Thursday”.
Dear Twitter, NO. I do not want to follow porn stars. Mainly it's because I'm jealous they get $ for sex, and I just got a wedding ring.
THE INTERNET TOLD ME TO DRINK.
I just folded 3 fitted sheets. I may or may not be a witch.
If my husband stinky farts one more time, I’m gonna shove a can of Febreze so far up his ass he will be blowing Clean Linen for a month.
You know those girls that get caught in the rain and look all cute and wet and adorable?
Yeah well, I look like drowned labradoodle.
Why do people insist on talking to me? I AM NOT A FRIENDLY.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Big mouth, even bigger ass. #teamdrinkingproblem