Instead of trying to stretch your shirt down over your ass to cover your boxers, why don't you just PULL YOUR PANTS UP!

The difference between ass-kissing and brown-nosing is depth perception.

OH: 9 out of 10 men prefer women with large breasts. The other man prefers the 9 men.

OH: Sittin at my camp site, checkin out the moon and wondering if the moon has to be full for the astronauts to land on it

OH: I asked my husband why he didn't have a facebook page. He said because he's a grown up.

I don't even celebrate my own birthday so why the hell would I care that it's yours?

In this ecocomy it's no longer about the Benjamins. It's all about the Washingtons, baby

You get 2 seconds to realize it's your turn at the 4 way stop or you lose it & it becomes my turn.

A bus station is where buses stop. I train station is where trains stop.

At work, I have a work station...

You see what I did there?


You did!??


STALKER!

If you can feel underwhelmed or overwhelmed, can you ever just feel whelmed?

Look, if he's driving under the speed limit, it's ok to pass. Cops are not pace cars!

Just got carded for a beer. Win!

What a gorgeous day to try & find someone to rake my leaves.

Oh, that offended you? Well I'm offended that you're offended. That means YOU owe ME an apology.

Star this, bitch! Just kidding.



...or am I?

OH: I'm like a fat kid playing dodge ball. I'm out.

I could totally walk a straight line right now if the Earth would stop moving.

I can't see clearly now the beer is gone....

Tripped over all the obsticles in my way...

I'm going to roll my clock back an hour right now. I'm not a farmer. Why should I have to wait for when *they* want to do it?