James Cameron just leaned forward pretending to laugh & accidentally farted some money.

Even when I really want to, I never tell someone to go to hell. I mean, if I already don't like them, why would I want to see them everyday?

You asked for a pen, I pulled out a tampon. We both looked away, wondering the same thing. But it's okay. I checked. I still have my pen.

Kiss me, I have low self-esteem. I mean, I'm Irish.

Pessimism comes naturally to me...my blood type is be negative.

I just realized that if I ever peed my pants in public I could just pretend like my water broke. Yeah...What now, skinny bitches? WHAT NOW?!

Sometimes I can't believe I'm only using one-tenth of my brain, and then I remember how fractions are hard and it makes sense.

I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough bison before you died of dysentery.

I'm so good at embarrassing myself here that I've actually considered moving to some place like New Jersey where it's more competitive.

I'm worried about Rosemary's Baby. Everyone knows Thyme has been hard on her.

(That's right. I do spice jokes. Dill with it.)

HIM: Hot enough for ya?
ME: Ugh, no! You're like a 4 and I'm like...WAY hotter than a 4!
HIM: I meant the weather.

(Summer is awkward.)

My dog just ate a pair of my underwear, again. After this, he will have officially shit my pants more than me.

My ex got married. It's weird, he used to say he couldn't live without me so I just assumed he would be dead by now. How disappointing...

I always keep my chin up. If I don't, people might find out that I have more than one.

A drunk, sunburnt slutnugget won't stop staring at me. I think I'm going to fight her. As soon as I figure out how to get inside the mirror.

I have no idea why my boyfriend just went in the other room. It's like he doesn't think it's hot when I cry and eat pizza at the same time.

I swear the only reason my dog likes going on walks is because he gets a big kick out of watching me carry his shit around in a little bag.

The problem with Preparation H is that it skips A through G, which I find a little presumptuous for an ass cream.

If a woman says she's old, she's probably 35.
If a man says he's old, he's probably 105.
If a donut says it's old, I probably just ate it.

Showing Tuesday who's boss by typing dirty words into Dictionary.com & listening to the robot pronunciation.

No, YOU'RE immature & stupid.