Imagine your favorite Wu-Tang member. Now imagine him eating pasta with his non-dominate hand. Not so gangster now huh.

What if air is deadly but it takes roughly 80 years to kill us

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I'M FUNNY ON TWITTER? STOP TREATING ME LIKE A REGULAR PERSON

A moment of silence for the less attractive partners in relationships

Go on Jeopardy and answer every question with, "What is Dogs?"

Do rappers like sex? I'm unsure

7 Tips For Getting Back Down To Your Birth Weight

"If you're funnier than him, it may bruise his ego or become a source of conflict. Try posting mediocre tweets for awhile." - Twitter Cosmo

I used to think Frank Ocean was just a very honest body of water

Admiring Michelle Branch for also being Vanessa Carleton all those years.

Putting my college degree to good use pic.twitter.com/AIhS80wt

And for my next trick I will take a water bottle out of the fridge and let it sit until it gets warm and then get another one

Love means never being afraid to send copious amounts of incoherent and mildly offensive text messages

My roommate took some Benadryl and then smoked some weed and his last 4 sentences have sounded like that language they speak in the Sims

sorry you're intelligent. you'll be miserable all your life. love, god.

I hate you so much I hope your elevator door takes a little too long to open and you become slightly panicked

Men are like shoeboxes. You keep them around for way too long and never really know why.

Can I kick it? Yes you can! Can I kick it? Yeah, go ahead. Can I kick it? YES ok I just said you could. Can I kick it? OMFG FUCKING KICK IT

Dogs have elevator music playing in their heads at all times.

"How can I help you sir" "Small flavor fettuccine alfredo" "Sir we only serve ice cream here" "Spaghetti and da meataball" "Sir please"