Tired of noisy upstairs neighbors walking around? Just pretend they are really big cats. This won't help but just do it.

My improv team is so improvy that we DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW EACH OTHER. Most of the time we just pass on the street in silence. #TrueImprov

If you say "Candyman" 500,000 times into a mirror, concerned family members and health professionals will appear.

When I move you move. Not like that. Forget it. Ugh.

oh your son is 73 months old that's cool i literally i have no idea if he's five or forty two

"Who ARE you?" "Well, I suppose I'm a big baby boy. The biggest baby boy in the world" - Somebody interviewing my dog

why does anyone care how many people someone has slept with, like how do you think people get good at it

Some dude at ASU named Dean has me on his list. Honestly, I don't appreciate or understand it. Thinking about contacting the authorities.

I can't be the only one concerned about things "cancelling each other out." What the hell happens to them?

Baby, to me, you're like soda pop and candy and the rest are just water and celery.

"Goodnight, don't let the bed insects devour your flesh whilst you slumber." he whispered, setting a good example with advanced vocabulary.