@quirkyfossil's (Jeff Cooper) most faved Tweets...
Twitter appears to just be an excuse for arrogant smartasses to try and show everyone how clever they are. It's like I've been called home.
Took me this long to catch up on all the tweets I missed over the weekend. Work is, like, the biggest time vampire ever.
Got a short haircut and now my wife keeps calling me "Lieutenant Dan." Hope she tries to blow my legs off later.
Wife just asked me if we could spend Saturday afternoon at a Chicago sports bar watching football and drinking beer. YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
I'm new to this. Just found out WTF doesn't stand for "where's the food." Explains confused looks at Olde Country Buffet.
Started on Slim-Fast shakes today. Turns out two cans of the chocolate with a half-pound hamburger and fries is a very satisfying meal.
Patient: My last dentist did a bad job and my fillings fell out. Me: Might have to do with your diet of Mountain Dew and crystal meth, Zeke.
Walked in on my wife pleasuring herself, and when I told her it should've been me, she was all like, "Talk to the hand!"
For what it cost to look for water on the Moon and Mars, I wonder how many people could have gotten a clean water supply on Earth?
Tampon wrapper in the employee restroom trash. Which co-worker should I avoid?
Probably the one with the chocolate mustache and the axe.
Probably the one with the chocolate mustache and the axe.
In honor of the Winter Olympics my wife is now referring to my bedroom performance as the "men's short program."
OMG! My 50 cherry finally popped! You like me! You really like me! I'd like to thank the Twitter academy, my agent, and DON'T PLAY THE MUSIC
At my 18yr-old daughter's hockey game last night. Could hear her belch FROM ACROSS THE ARENA! Daddy's Le Fleur Petite.
(low, sexy voice)OK giant Cinnabon, I did what you asked at the gym. Now give me what you promised. Ooooooh, yeah.(Licks frosting from lips)
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar