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Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid.
I have the diet of an 8-yr old who's been left home with a stocked pantry and a drunk babysitter.
My legs are having a really good hair day today.
Always be suspicious of a quiet two-year old.
Funny how we tend to make deep and meaningful connections in the strangest and most unexpected places...
Thank you, Twitter.
I'm at my biggest chicken-shit when peeling the paper on a tube of biscuits.
And a big Merry Christmas to the guy who just walked in the post office, saw the line, yelled FUCK THIS, and left!
I think I'd have more motivation today if I were in a coma.
That IT department smelled of desperation, Doritos and Star Wars.
Sports Bras: for those times that two boobs are just one too many.
It's ok if you're a vegan.
Go ahead and use some makeup and style your hair, forfucksake.
Despite the bacon, masturbation jokes & boobs,
Some of the kindest, most sincere people are on Twitter, and I'm happy to call them friends.
Each drink tonight makes tomorrow's to-do list a little bit shorter.
Remember kids, just a few kind words to another person can be the difference between night and day.
All the BS aside...let's be nice.
My enthusiasm for new cleaning products is embarrassing.
I hate to waste a good mood on a work-day.
The fucktard that invented "crunchy" granola bars didn't have kids.
These sweat pants really focus on all the not-working-out I've been doing.