Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid.

I have the diet of an 8-yr old who's been left home with a stocked pantry and a drunk babysitter.

My legs are having a really good hair day today.

Always be suspicious of a quiet two-year old.

Funny how we tend to make deep and meaningful connections in the strangest and most unexpected places...

Thank you, Twitter.

I'm at my biggest chicken-shit when peeling the paper on a tube of biscuits.

And a big Merry Christmas to the guy who just walked in the post office, saw the line, yelled FUCK THIS, and left!

I think I'd have more motivation today if I were in a coma.

Sometimes, just sometimes, Autocorrect is right... http://t.co/0YHmISv6

I. Fucking. Knew. It. http://t.co/aJULm5Hm

That IT department smelled of desperation, Doritos and Star Wars.

Sports Bras: for those times that two boobs are just one too many.

It's ok if you're a vegan.

Go ahead and use some makeup and style your hair, forfucksake.

Despite the bacon, masturbation jokes & boobs,

Some of the kindest, most sincere people are on Twitter, and I'm happy to call them friends.

Each drink tonight makes tomorrow's to-do list a little bit shorter.

Remember kids, just a few kind words to another person can be the difference between night and day.


All the BS aside...let's be nice.

My enthusiasm for new cleaning products is embarrassing.

Fuck.

I hate to waste a good mood on a work-day.

Fuck.

The fucktard that invented "crunchy" granola bars didn't have kids.

Obviously.

These sweat pants really focus on all the not-working-out I've been doing.