Someone stole my water bottle. BUT JOKE'S ON HIM BECAUSE I AM SICK. HA HA. But seriously, I hope he dies.

It's hard for me to use sarcasm on the internet because then the FBI gets involved and they're all like "So where's the girl you murdered?"

Oklahoma: We're close to other states where you can do stuff. #failedstatemottos

Really, a bunch of Priuses together should be called a NorCal of Priuses.

This thing at Google is a real Page-turner.

I forgot to eat today. Feels weird. Like I'll never be hungry again. Oh wait, there we go.

This generation's chicken or egg: skinny jean or hipster?

My father is allergic to peppermint. I think that may be the saddest thing I've ever heard. Up there with the Holocaust.

All I want to do is write inappropriate messages on Post-Its and stick them up in public places.

Someday I want to meet the person with skin the color of Band-Aids. I bet they can blend into walls and stuff.

I have an airport to myself. This is the perfect occasion to film my movie montage.

Family Tip #1: Always put the corkscrew back next to the cereal, because when you wake up, you'll want to know where it is. #bluthtips

Two guys in a car just held up burritos to me in a 'Cheers' motion. My kind of people.

Dear man wearing a giant duck costume in the sweltering heat: bet you really wish you cheated on that test now, huh?

Your words say no, but your frown also says no.

I don't think we take enough time to say well done, ninjas. Well done.

My imaginary friends canceled on me. Bastards.

My spirit animal is in counseling,

The more I yell, the more I want to hit people.

At some point, California, flip flops are not appropriate for heading out for the night at eight. TONIGHT IS NOT THAT NIGHT.