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Someone stole my water bottle. BUT JOKE'S ON HIM BECAUSE I AM SICK. HA HA. But seriously, I hope he dies.
It's hard for me to use sarcasm on the internet because then the FBI gets involved and they're all like "So where's the girl you murdered?"
Oklahoma: We're close to other states where you can do stuff. #failedstatemottos
Really, a bunch of Priuses together should be called a NorCal of Priuses.
This thing at Google is a real Page-turner.
I forgot to eat today. Feels weird. Like I'll never be hungry again. Oh wait, there we go.
This generation's chicken or egg: skinny jean or hipster?
My father is allergic to peppermint. I think that may be the saddest thing I've ever heard. Up there with the Holocaust.
All I want to do is write inappropriate messages on Post-Its and stick them up in public places.
Someday I want to meet the person with skin the color of Band-Aids. I bet they can blend into walls and stuff.
I have an airport to myself. This is the perfect occasion to film my movie montage.
Family Tip #1: Always put the corkscrew back next to the cereal, because when you wake up, you'll want to know where it is. #bluthtips
Two guys in a car just held up burritos to me in a 'Cheers' motion. My kind of people.
Dear man wearing a giant duck costume in the sweltering heat: bet you really wish you cheated on that test now, huh?
Your words say no, but your frown also says no.
I don't think we take enough time to say well done, ninjas. Well done.
My imaginary friends canceled on me. Bastards.
My spirit animal is in counseling,
The more I yell, the more I want to hit people.