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The only good thing about airports is the built-in social acceptance of drinking at any hour.
I recently programmed my sister's universal remote in case anyone wants to get married to someone with courage and problem-solving skills.
Pro: I quit smoking 15 months ago.
Con: Now I have to sit alone when everyone else slips outside for a smoke.
The entire city of Tampa smells like boiled-hot-dog water.
My spirit animal is a saltine cracker.
Maybe the best drunk misunderstanding of all time.
I finally found the perfect relationship with the only one that truly understands me: my TV.
Just got three people to agree to run the Boston 1/2 Marathon with me!!! Hahah suckers
"I'm looking for something in an after-dinner burrito." - Homer Simpson
Niners strike first. Leah is out of her seat, pissed. My other sister is texting me exultantly. Ha! I wish I gave a fuck. #justlikewatching
Someone's working on a website where we can do Yelp reviews for people right? I mean, its like 100% necessary.
On hour two of a seven-hour road trip with my mom. Her stereo doesn't work and there's a dog in the car. So yeah, I'm having a merry xmas
Its 6:30 a.m. on a Saturday anf its 35 degrees out. On my way to run a 15k. sound crazy? there is 50,000 lbs of choclate at the end!
Pro tip: electrical tape doesn't work as packing tape. In case anyone was wondering or wanting to find an idiot that actually tried it.
I hate pigeons. They have no respect for public art.
Probably the only person in America that doesn't love dogs.